Her gün besliyordum Adam’ı. Bu süreç bittiğinde, bir kantarda tartılacağını bildirdim ona. Gıdası, bakışların birikimi neyse oydu, o olacaktı. Böyle olması gerektiğini bildirdim ona, benimsedi. Anlaşmamız kolay oldu sanılmasın. Önce oğlu girdi aramıza adamın. Adam bakışlardaki gıdalara yöneldikçe günlük gazeteler, sevda ve macera romanlarıyla dopdolu koltuklarıyla gelen oğlu aramıza giriyor, Adam’a hayatı hatırlatıyor, yaşamakta olduğunu, kendi yaşamaktalığının onu yaşatacağının tek ve değişmez şartı olduğunu ileri sürüyor. Onu meyvelerle besliyor, kolunda takılı serumları çıkarmasına engel oluyor, zorla yemek yediriyordu. Böyle anlarda başımı eğip ona mesaj gönderiyordum. Boş oturacak değildim elbette. Anlaşmanın şartlarına uymasını, yaşantıyla yaşamayı ayıran ve bir madde olarak anlaşmamıza aldığımız ince sınırı aşmamasını, kavraması gereken noktanın asıl burası olduğunu bildiriyordum ona. Mesajı alınca oğluna vuruyordu. Vuruyor dediysem bir fiske, bir dokunuştu bu, oğlunun kaşık tutan eline. Yemeği dökebilecek bir vuruş oluyordu bu ama oğlu, bu sefer babasının üzerine battaniye çekip serumun mandalını açıyordu.
Bakışlarda biriken gıdanın ne olduğunu bildirmezsen anlaşmayı bozarım diye haber gönderdi battaniyesinin altından. O tarihtir, tarihimizdir dedim ona. Karşılaştığımızda sen anlatmıştın gözlerinle, sen öğretmiştin, ben senden beslendim sen benden besleneceksin. Hastalığın bunu unutturuyor sana ara sıra. Eşyanın kesreti hafızanı gölgeliyor, hatırlamıyorsun. Evet, beyazlaşmış sakalına sinen, hemşirenin bakışları sakalına takıldığında başını çevirttiren, Tacir ayak bağı hesabı yapıp televizyon seyrederken seni potansiyel bir müşteri atası sayıp hatırını sorduğunda, bakışlarını besininden ayırıp kıpırdatan neyse, evet, ak düşmüş sakalını haleleyen görüntüler neyse odur.
Afyona müptela Arap geldiğinde, onu parmaklıkların arkasına koyup nöbetinin geçmesi için yalnız başına bıraktıklarında, her çırpınışında, sana doğru her atılışında, onu tokatlamaktan başka yöntem geliştirilemediğini görüntülediğimizde, sen dedelerinden birinin Harran macerasını anlatıp, Harran’ın yıkılışından oğlunun haberdar olmadığını, sağlığında bu yıkılışı ona anlatmaya fırsat düşmediğini bildirişin neyse odur bu. Oğlu girdi aramıza bas bas bağırdı:
sus baba sus
o us bu değil, aradığın ender us değil bu us
endülüs ne olduysa oldu, ya ne halde tunus
yetişir bu nağme sana bu hengâmede
ye yemeğini tak şu serumu
görmüyor musun yaşantım yaşatmak seni
şaşıyorum bunu bilip görmezlikten gelmene
Şehrin sayılı anıtlarından birini seyrediyoruz Zeki’yle. Bu cepheden bu anıtın şafakta uyanınca, gurupta ise yatmadan önce doyumsuz seyrini kendisine sevdirenin bir Japon olduğunu söylüyor Zeki. Japon bunu görüntü aygıtlarında bulunan çok hassas mercekleriyle ortaya çıkaran bir araştırmacıymış. Fakat Zeki’yle mükâşefe ettiğimiz manzarayı Japon’un görüntülediğinden emin olmadığımı, bunun mümkün olamayacağını Zeki’ye söylediğimde kanıtlamamı istedi. Anıtı gurup vakti seyretmeye koyulduk. Büyük bir caddenin sınırlayıp yaygın bir tepeye doğru uzattığı kentin bu semtinin tepeyle ufkun kesiştiği yerde bulunan anıt, güneşin pembeleşen ışıklarında dorukta, kubbeleriyle şehrin maddesini doğaya armağan eden bir sultan duruşundaydı ilkin. Güneş kendisini ufukta ebrulaşan bulutların arkasına attıkça evler, apartmanlar, ağaçlar silindi ve güneş karşısında sönük kalan elektrik ışıklarıyla şehir anıtta birleşti, anıtla bütünleşti sonra. Güneş ışıklarından eser kalmayıp, kentin parlak ışıkları eşyada tortulaşınca anıt, semtin tek hâkimi olduğunu ilân edip minarelerinden bunu halka duyurunca Zeki coştu ve Japon’un anıttan görüntüden başka bir şey kaydetmeden ülkesine döndüğüne hayıflandı.
Zeki, aylarca odasından çıkmayışını gözlerinin aşırı dereceye varan bozukluğuna bağlıyor. Anıtı; düşünceyi beynin sadece tek fonksiyonu olmaya indirgeyip, duyularla beyne gönderilen uyarılardan zihni sıyırıp, salt düşünce olarak anıtı seyretmenin zevkine vardığımızı Adam’dan öğrendiğimizi iddia ediyor. Şimdi de kendi kentine dönünce artık topluma karışabileceğini, bunda anıt gözlemlemeyi öğrenmesinin tek etken olmadığını, beraber tapınmamızın ve buna alışmasında önayak oluşumun asıl etken olduğunda, karşı çıkmama rağmen ısrar ediyor. Abdest almak için ilk suyu ben gönderdiysem de çeşmeyi onun bağladığını, bunun bedenimizin devinimi haline gelip canımıza yerleştiğini kabul ediyor, olumlu sonuç alınması içinse bu sürekliliğin ruhta yer etmesi gerekliliğinde ısrar ediyordum.
Tacir, Zeki’yi çağırdı ve bu gün ayak bağı mağazasına bir daha iflasa düşmemek kararlılığı ile gideceğini, her kayboluşunda gelen ziyaretçilerinin alacaklıları olmadığını araya sokuşturarak kartını verdi. Benimle Adam’ı başıyla selamladı. Adam’ın oğlu telefonunu vermesini rica etti. Adam’ın vücudunun artık serum kabul etmeyişinin sebebi ben olduğumu koridorda anlatmış Tacir’e. Uğurlamadan dönünce bunu bana Zeki söyledi.
Kantara çekmek, ölçümünü yapmak, otomatik kantarın ölçüyü tamamladıktan sonra tıkır tıkır yazıp yuvasına bırakacağı sonucu gösteren kâğıdı alıp ilgililere vermekten başka sana ne yardımım dokunabilir ki. Olgunlaştın artık beslene beslene. Öz suları, usareyi, bal özünü, poleni benimseyip serumu kabul etmemekliğinle asaletini ortaya koydun. Oğlunu yıldırdın. Tacir’i uçurttun. Zeki’ye öğrettin hayat bilgisini. Evet, kadının geldi biliyorum, çarşaflı. Kadının, beden ölçüsünde senin düşüşünü, organlarının büzülüşünü, çekilişini, yataklara mahkûm oluşunu izleyerek semiren kadının geldi. Son sınanmandır bu. Gözlemle! Bedeninin çöküşü karşısında, bakışlarınla ezdiğini, ona besin gönderdiğini, tartılışının onu sevindireceğini gözlemle! Sana verilen tartının sonucu, sağında ve solunda duran sorgucuların sana sunduğu hoş bakışlar ileride seni nelerin beklediğinin muştusu olduğunu bilişinde, kadınına, ardından anlık ağıtlar yakan kadınına artık oğluna uyulmaması anlayışını miras olarak bıraktığını bil! Evet, kadının, oğlunun anası, evlâdına, atmosferde titreşim halinde dolaşan bakışlardaki hasat birikintisinin kuşaktan kuşağa geçmekte olan olduğunu sezdirecektir.
haydi doğ, doğ yavrum
ölü çiçeklerin kokusuyla dopdolu
bir doğumevinin salonunda bekletme
bir doğdaç ağlayışı duyur anneye
gel de başlat hayatı.
babaların öyle susuz, öyle susuz kaldığı
sularını kırıp sabır çeşmelerinin
kurnalarını içtiği günlerde değiliz şimdi.
işte ebrûların rüzgârında salınan kız kulesi
gösteriyor kendini yüzyılların ardından
büyü de gel yanıma, oturalım yan yana
boğaz saraylarının karşısında.
ıssız ormanlar kadar orkideli
rengârenk şiir açan bahçemden
bir gül aşıladım cidarına beyinlerin
bir intizâr bıraktım sana kalbimden.
/// Hayreddin MERAL’in bu hikâyesi, Yüce Devlet Dergisi’nde (1 Kasım 1995, sayı 4, s.10) yayınlanmış; 26 Ocak 2008’de yucedevlet.com’a eklenmiş, (Aralık 2011′de sitemiz yeniden yapılandırılmadan önce) 372 kere okunmuştur.
F Western blot analysis revealing GPX4 and actin after immunoprecipitation of biotin WA in lysates of IMR 32 cells treated with a high dose 10 ОјM and a medium dose 1 ОјM of biotin WA lasix for fluid overload 02 So, every time a neuron is excited, it will fluoresce
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