İKİNDİ VE HATTAT, VAV İLE KONUŞMA
Öncesi
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Yeni bir kalem açsam da, onunla mı yazsam bu yazıyı. Yok, yok; yeni açılmış bir kalem çok keskin olur, iyi çıkaramam bu yazıyı. En iyisi, geçende açtığım şu sevdiğim kamış kalemimi biraz tadil edeyim. Uygunu bu olur herhalde.
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Zaten o kalem çok kalın olacaktı, bu yazı için. Nerede, efendim, benim kalemtıraşım. Hah şöyle gel bakalım ey kalemtıraş. Ey kendisine sahip olabilmek için neler çektiğim kalemtıraş, söyle bakalım iyi açabilecek misin, bugün, kalemimi? Yoksa, ben sadece bir aletim, açacak olan, iyi açacak olan sensin mi diyeceksin. Peki, ey alet, seni elde etmek için ne çabalar sarf ettiğimi ne çabuk unuttun. Benim de şöyle eski hattatlar gibi bir kalemtıraşım olsun, şu adi bıçaklar, çakılardan kurtulup, işimi hakkıyla görebilecek hem de geleneğe uygun bir şey bulayım dediğin zamanları sen ne bilirsin… Bilmezsin elbet, hadi şimdi bırak lafazanlığı, düzelt bakalım şu kalemin vahşisini, ünsünü..
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Eh, bu da oldu sayılır. Kalemimiz tamam. Geçen sene aharladığım kâğıtlardan birini çıkarayım, şu köhne dolaptan. Gerçi eski hattatlar bir senelik değil üç-beş senelik aharlı kâğıtları kullanırlarmış; hatta kâğıdı kâğıtçıdan, mürekkebi mürekkepçiden alırlarmış. Biz ne yapıyoruz: kâğıdı aharlamayı öğren, bir sürü sinir bozucu denemeden sonra, eh, biraz becer. Mürekkebin isini ayrı yerden bul, Arap zamkını temin et, karıştır ikisini, bilmem ne kadar tokmakla, bilmem ne kadar ez. Efendim sonra işte sana mürekkep. Kâğıt mürekkep tutmaz, mürekkep kâğıt istemez. İyi o zaman her birisi ayrı yerde dursunlar, havaya yazalım biz de yazıyı… Dert bunların hepsi dert. Onsuz da olmuyor, onlu da. Vazgeçmeyiz elbet, lakin feryada iznimiz vardır herhalde. O da olmasa daha iyi ama, henüz olgun birisi olamadık herhalde. Oluruz inşallah bir gün. Can tendeyse ümit vardır. Ya can tende olmasa, ya canın gideceği vakit olmamış olursak… Ne demiş şair:
‘ya dehre gelmeseydim ya aklım olmasaydı’
Şair bu mısraı bu manada kullanmamış belki, ama ben böyle anlamak istiyorum. Bu yorum bana ait, ilk defa ben söylüyorum bunu böyle. Her insanda yetenek var, kabiliyet verilmiş insana, istidadı bulunuyor bütün insanların. Yeter ki geliştirebilsin, yeter ki gereğince kullanabilsin, yeter ki sınırlarını bilebilsin ve şükredebilsin. Bizi yaradana şükür, verdiği yeteneklere şükür, bizden uzak tuttuklarına da. Ne yapalım, biz de bu zamana tayin olunmuşuz. Rabbim herkesi en uygun zaman ve mekânda yaratır. Belki eserimiz az olacak ama, ecrimiz çok olacak belki. İnşallah, kim bilir; bizden yapması, O’ndan vermesi.
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Kağıdı tebeşirleyelim de, mürekkebi tutsun bari; hani fena da aharlamamışım yani. Kendinle de övünmesen olmaz, şamatayı bırak da, işine başla haydi. Bugün de hava pek sıcak. Kışın, o mübarek sakallı nur yüzlü amca ne diyordu: “Bugün de hava pek soğuk, elhamdülillah.” Sen şikâyet et, kendinle öğün, bakalım nereye varacaksın bu figanlarınla… Ne de doğru düşünüyorsun, ey nefis. Hoş, senin içinde cereyan eden, senin yüksek fikir sandığın bu şeyleri, başkalarının da bilmesi ve takdir edip “ne büyük bir insansın sen” demesini istersin ya ey nefis, şükür ki öyle demiyorlar, şükür ki senin iç yüzünü, öbür yüzünü bilmiyorlar. Şükür ki dile gelmeyen, boğazdan öteye geçmeyen sözler, kelimeler, düşünceler, duygular var… Bir sırrilik var dünyada. Aslında her şey apaşikar. Ama biz anlamıyoruz. Anladığın, anlayabildiğin zaman belli, apaçık, ortada. Tersi olunca ne yaparsan yap, beceremezsin anlamayı. Onun içindir ki kâfirler; kör, sağır ve dilsizdirler ya. Bak! Şu ikindi güneşinin perdeler arasından yol bulup da giren huzmelerine. Normalde göremediğin tozlar ne kadar da belli. Neredeyse tane tane sayabileceksin… İkindi vaktine rağmen sıcak yani. Evden de dışarı çıkmadım, hiç, bugün. Pencereyi açsan satıcıların, çoluk çocuğun, arabaların, şehrin sesi, uğultusu, böğürtüsü dolacak içeriye. İşte açamazsın pencereyi. Filozofun biri “İnsanın gürültüye olan duyarlılığıyla zekâsı arasında doğru orantı vardır” demiş. İşte bir de zeki olmayı atfediyorsun kendine. Ne yani, normal insanlar kadar zekiyim işte. Bıktım, böyle hep kendi kendimle uğraşmaktan. Felsefe yapıp düşünmekten, bak, hiçbir şey yapamıyorum işte… Neden bir iş yapacakken böyle problemli oluyorum. Niye rahat olamıyorum olaylar, insanlar, işler karşısında. Ne biçim bir insanım ben. Bir iş ki, benim sevdiğim, benimseyip hayat boyunca devam ettirmek istediğim, kutlu bir çaba olarak adlandırıp üstüne fikirler bina ettiğim bir iştir; neden bir yazı yazacakken böyle oluyorum, yoksa yeteri kadar halis ve sağlam, işinde azim ve sebat gösterebilen birisi, bir insan olamayacak mıyım? Kendi kendimden kurtulup bir şeyler yapamayacak mıyım? Yoksa hayatını boşu boşuna geçirenler gibi yitip gidecek, kaybolacak mıyım?
Esnasında
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Belki de öyleyim, belki de böyleyim. İnsan kendisiyle uğraşmasa olmuyor herhalde. Kim bilir her insan, belki de, uğraşmadan edemiyordur kendisiyle. Veya herkese ait bir özellik değildir. Peki, o büyükler, yüceler, ulular, kahramanlar nasıl insanlardı? Hayatları sırasında bizim gibi mi düşünür, bizim gibi mi yaşarlardı? Veya nasıl yaşarlardı? Kendimi alamıyorum, bu insanlar hata, yanlış, günah yaparlar mıydı; ya da yapsalar bile bizde olduğu gibi bir nevi insanın kendisi karşısındaki pozisyonunu sarsan, sonrasında insanın kendi hayatından adeta bıçak veya keskin bir aletle çıkarmak isteyeceği hataları işler miydi? Bir veli bir vakit namazını bile, istemeyerek de olsa kaçırmış mıdır? Fire vermiş midir bu insanlar? Olmuşlarsa nasıl olmuşlardır?.. Gel de içinden çık, beynim yanıyor, kalbim tutuşuyor, bu sorulardan nasıl kurtulabileceğimi bilmiyorum. Belki de kurtulmak istemiyorum. Acayip bir şey vesselam. Neyse bırak bunları, şu mürekkebimize bakalım, efendim. Açıl bakalım ey kapak. Hâlâ, güzel bir koku yayılıyor, şişeyi açtığında. Aslında bir parfüm şişesi. Şişe değil aslında. Camdan yapılmış belki ama, koyu mavi bir renk camın içine girmiş de, o maddeyi artık cam denilemeyecek bir hale çevirmiş, bu tatlı özelliği vermiş sanki. Sahaflardan bir pazar günü bunu aldığımda mürekkep şişesi yapmayı düşünmemiştim doğrusu. Sırf şekli ve rengi, bunu kullanırken alabileceğim zevki çağrıştırmıştı da, öyle almıştım. Nereden nereye, şimdi içindeki mürekkebi karıştırırken, o günlerden ne kadar uzağım… Nerede o mutlu ve çilekeş talebelik günleri, nerede mutsuz ve yine çileli şimdiki zamanım.
iyi yıllardaki kötü günler kadar olmuyor
kötü yıllarda iyi günler arıyorum
Çile bu senfoninin temel motifi, ayrılmaz parçası, tabanı ve asli şeyi. Değişmiyor. Sen şimdi böyle düşünmüyorsun. Şimdiki zamanın geçmiş olduğunda değişik düşünürsün, herhalde. Onun için bütün zamanların içinde sen sıkı ve sağlam, halis ve kuvvetli olmaya bak. Zaman tükendiğinde, sen tükenmiş olma. Yaşadığın müddetçe doğru bildiğin yolda kuvvetle yürü. Bu iç hesaplaşmaların senin için merhale aldırıcı, faydalı, basamak çıkarıcı olduğu sürece iyi; ama kısır döngü içinde eritip çürütücü olursa mahvına sebep olabilir. Tek çaren var: dua. Rabbinin yardımı ve yol göstericiliği olmasa yanarsın. Bunu sağlayabilmen için de inanç ve uygulama gerekli.
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Ne kadar çalışmıştım bu vav harfine, hoca rabbi yessir’i yazdırırken. Tabii ki ilk yazdığım vav oydu, diğer hattatlar gibi. İlk meşkimi gördüğümde iyice gençtim, mahcup ve utangaç bir genç. Bir cumartesi günü, ikindileyin, hocayı gördüğüm, onun da beni gördüğü ve hatta yan yana iki bankta çok yakın olduğumuz halde cesaret edip bir türlü meşkimi verememiştim de, sonunda, bir saat kadar sonra, ağzımda gevelenen kelimelerle “hocam, meşk getirmiştim” diyebilmiştim. Meğerse o da ben meşk veririm belki diye oturmasını ve arkadaşlarıyla konuşmasını uzatmış. Boşuna konuşturmuşuz, belki de hiç konuşmak istemediği halde, belki de evine gidip çalışmayı istediği halde… Daha iyiydim o zamanlar, mahcup ve utangaç, ferah ve hoşgörülü. Gerçi o zamanlarda da içimde fırtınalar cereyan ederdi ama dışarıya vurmazdım. Daha güçlüydüm herhalde. Ya şimdi… Şimdinin ipliğini çıkarmayan adam olmasın. Şimdiyi kim savunabilir. Kıstası, belki doğru görünen, doğruya benzer, gerçeklik ve doğruluk payı ve ölçüsü taşıdığını kuvvetle zannettiğimiz şeyleri yapmak, yaptıklarımızı ise devam ettirmek olabilir.
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Vav ile başlıyoruz, işte yazıya, bakalım nasıl olacak. Yalnız bir iki defa müsvedde kâğıdına alıştırma yapayım. En büyük hattatlar bile alıştırma yaparlarmış. Kıyas mı ediyorum kendimi, onlarla. Evet, ama haddimi bilerek. Evet, ama onları usta, kendimi şakirt bilerek, onları örnek alıp bir nevi ruhaniyetlerinden istimdat ederek. Zaten bilmiyoruz, öğretmediler bize, öğrenemedik onların nasıl olduklarını, nasıl öğrenip nasıl öğrettiklerini. Bir öldüklerini biliyoruz; doğum yerleri soru işaretli, vefat tarihleriyse rakamlı, o hane ise dolu.
“öldürüp evvel onu açlıktan
sonra bir türbe dikerler başına”
İlgisizlik ve bilgisizlik bir daha öldürmüş onları.
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Bu kadar düşünürsen elbet, böyle olur işte. Acemiler bile bu kadar kötü yazamazlar, bu vavları. Hiç olmazsa bir sevimlilik vardır, yazılarında. Kendini veremiyorsun düşünmekten. Biraz konsantre olsana, biraz dikkat etsene, çalışsana; haydi gayret…
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Olmuyor, olmuyor, olmuyor. Bu kaçıncı yazışım, bu kaçıncı başlayışım, sanki yeni meşk yazan bir müptediyim. Hep aynı yere, hep başlangıca mı geleceğim ben. Hadi bakalım zorla kendini, bunca çalışmadan, bunca gayretten sonra sen yazamayacak bir adam değilsin… Dur bakalım, şu vav’ı asıl yazacağım, temiz kâğıda yazmayı bir deneyeyim. Bazen asıl kâğıda yazmak sihirli bir tesir yapabiliyor. Gel bakalım güzel kâğıt.
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Sonrası
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Vav’ı bitirdik, lakin biz de bittik. İşte akşam ezanı okunuyor. Gitmeliyim namaza, geldikten sonra bitiririm, inşallah, yazıyı. Zaten bugün evden de dışarı hiç çıkmadın sen. Hadi bakalım namaza. Kıl ve gel, bitir şu yazını.
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(Ve işte VAV.)
*Haydar Murad Hepsev’in bu hikâyesi, ilk defa DİRİLİŞ Dergisi’nde (Sayı 98–99, 1–8 Haziran, İstanbul, 1990, s. 26–27); Sohbet adlı hikâye kitabında (H.M. Hepsev, İstanbul, Mart 1994, s.5–9) yayınlanmıştır.
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