SANATÇI ve KARAR
İşte artık hayatının zirvesindeydi. Bir sağanak gibi yağan tebrik ve takdirlerden, alkış ve haykırışlardan mest olmuş bir vaziyette o büyük salonda dolaşıyordu. Sağa sola, gördüğü ve tanıdığı, görmediği ve tanımadığı herkese, artık yüz kaslarını ağrıtan bir gülümsemeyle selam veriyordu. İstediği her şeyi karşısında görüyordu bugün. Hayalleri işte gerçek olmuştu artık. Muzafferiyet ve muvaffakiyetin doruğundaki bir nevi gökyüzünde, bulutların arasında yürüyordu. Bir sanatçı olarak alabileceği en büyük ödülü almıştı bu gece. Şimdi dostların ve düşmanların ve tarafsızların arasında, başarının o yakıcı ve sarhoş edici ateşiyle dolaşıyordu.
—Tiyatro semamızın bu en büyük yıldızını en içten dileklerimle kutlamama lütfen izin verin. Bugün daha büyük ve daha muhteşemsiniz; tebrik ederim.
—Teşekkürler, teşekkürler…
“Sen mi söylüyorsun bunu, sansar hazretleri. Ne dediğinin farkında mısın sen? Yıllarca mahvıma çalışan sen, şimdi başarı putunun önünde riyakârane tapınıyorsun. Tapın bakalım. Başka neye tapınırsınız ki…”
Muzafferiyetin şerefine her şey yapılacaktı nasıl olsa. Dostun da, düşmanın da, hainin de, sansar ve porsuğun da tebrikleri kabul edilecekti. Başka çare yoktu bu gece. Bu yüksek istek ve dilekler, bu gece yerine getirilecek en önemli bir işti.
—Serhat Bey, Bakan hazretleri sizi bir defa daha tebrik etmek istiyorlar. Sizi bir defa daha yanlarında görmekten sonsuz haz duyacağını söylediler.
“Tabii ya. Tebrik etmeye en layık olan o. Nasıl olsa bugünkü işimiz tebrikleri kabul etmek. Bir defa, beş defa, on defa. Kaç defa olursa. Bakan hazretlerini, nasıl olur da, bu şereften mahrum edebiliriz. Kültürden anlasa da anlamasa da, bir defa kültür bakanı oldu ya, yüksek tebrikler ve boş sözleri, herkese boca etmek onun en birinci görevidir. Mevzuat da bu fırsatı ona nasıl olsa bol bol veriyor. Onun tarafından tebrik edilmek, sanat sosyetesinin de en hoşuna giden bir şeydir. Hadi gitme bakalım, porsuğun önüne. Seni yiyip bitirirler; istediğin ödülü al, en büyük muvaffakiyeti kazan, sen de kültür bakanı büstünün önünde eğilmek zorundasın.”
—Serhat Bey, ödülü size verirken doğrusu hiç zorlanmadık, sizden başka kime verecektik zaten. Bugüne bugün tiyatro dünyasının üstadı sayılırsınız.
—Teşekkür ederim, çok lütufkârsınız. Sizin büyük hizmet ve yardımlarınız olmasa tiyatro dünyası diye bir şeyden bahsedilemez. Teşekkür ederim, bir de tiyatro dünyası adına…
“Angut musun be adam. Bu kadarı da olmaz ki. Al da başına geçir ödülü, diyesi geliyor insanın; babanın sabanını mı bağışlıyorsun. Pişman olacağım neredeyse bu ödülü almaktan. Bu koca salon artık sıkmaya başladı beni. Yok mudur bir dost kucağı; burada bir adam bulunmaz mı? Kendimi neredeyse hayvanat bahçesinde zannedeceğim. Akrepler, tilkiler, gergedanlar, fareler sarmış etrafımı. Of boğulacağım neredeyse. Bütün bu insanlar, sanki benimle benim yüzümden eğlenmek için toplanmışlar bu¬raya.”
— Serhat, toplantının bitiminde bizdesin. Arkadaşlarla toplanıyoruz. İstediğin zaman seni alacağız.
—Aman, yalnız çok kalabalık olmasın. Yoruldum kalabalıktan, yoruldum insanlardan.
—Merak etme, ne yalnız bırakırız seni, ne de boğarız, halden anlarız biz.
—Sağ olasın arkadaş, teşekkür ederim.
“Neredeydin be kardeşim şimdiye kadar. Nereye saklandın bütün gece. Nasıl oldu da sağ kalabildin veya. Nasıl oldu da boğulmadın sen. Ama sen bilirsin işini. Kimseye karışmaz, bir köşeye çekilir ve izlemeyi tercih edersin her şeyi. Tiyatro dünyasında hem oyuncu hem seyirci olabilen ender insanlardan birisisin. Bizlerse oyuncu, her yerde, her köşede, her salonda sadece oyuncu…”
* * *
Evet, ününün doruğundaydı ama eksik olan bir şey vardı. Bu anda bile tatmin duygusundan yoksundu. Tiyatroların vazgeçilmez karakter oyuncusu Serhat Bey parasına, malına ve şöhretine rağmen bir türlü tamlık hissine sahip olamıyor, amaçsız arayışlar içinde sürekli bocalıyordu. Oysa bugün onun için en mutlu, en büyük ve bütünlük duygusuna en çok sahip olması gereken gün olmalıydı. Nafile, hiçbir şeyi beğenmiyor, herkesten nefret ediyor, içten tebriklerin altında bile bir art niyet arıyor, oldu olası zaten pek sevmediği kalabalıktan şiddetle kaçmak, kurtulmak istiyordu.
—Nihayet baş başayız dostlarım; ustaca manevralarınızla beni o berbat salon ve insanlardan kaçırmayı başardığınızdan ötürü size minnettarım. Hafakanlar basmıştı o salonda bana. Manasızlık çölündeydik sanki. “Tebrik ederim” lafını duymaktan gına gelmişti. Sanki kutlamanın başka yolu ve sözü yokmuş gibi. Bir kâbustan kurtardınız beni, sağ olun var olun.
Rahatlamıştı. Burada, sakin bir evin geniş balkonunda, rahat bir koltukta, ferahlık duygusunun tadına varıyordu. Dostlarının yanında daha çok hissediyordu, başarı denen duyguyu. Bacak bacak üstüne atmıştı ve biraz da havalı edalarla aldığı ödülden bahsediyordu. Neye mal olmuştu bütün bu her şey. Ne azaplı, ne sıkıntılı yollardan ve yıllardan geçerek gelmişti şimdiki haline. Çeşit çeşit entrikaları, Bizans oyunlarını nasıl alt etmiş, kontur ataklar ve kontur entrikalarla nasıl yere sermişti karşısındakileri. Hatta dostlarının bile kaprislerine nasıl tahammül etmiş, onları zor ama bir güzel idareyle nasıl kendine bend etmişti. Bütün bir gece konuştu durdu. Etrafındakiler de onu bir nevi pohpohluyor, ustaca sorularla konuşmaya teşvik ediyorlardı. Onun bu başarısından onlar da bir hisse alıyorlardı, onlar da başarılı olmuş sayıyorlardı kendilerini. Ve güzel bir gece geçiriyorlardı.
Serhat Bey, bütün sevincine rağmen huzursuzdu. Senelerden beri kendisini meşgul eden sorular zaman zaman bir bıçak gibi beynine giriveriyorlar, sanki oturduğu yerden onu kaldırmak istiyorlardı. O anda susuyor, başını öne eğiyor, üstteki bacağını yere indiriyordu. Fakat şu anda, yalnız olmadığından bu halin etkisi biraz kolayca siliniveriyor, Serhat Bey neşeli durumuna dönebiliyordu.
Sabah olmuştu ki dağıldılar. Arkadaşlarından biri onu evine bıraktı. Tekrar tebrik etti, başarısının devamını diledi. Ve sonunda yalnız kaldı aktör Serhat Bey.
Evine girdi. Hiç yorgunluk hissetmiyordu. Mutfağa gitti, koyu bir kahve yaptı kendisine. Kahveyi aldı, balkona çıktı, bir sandalyeye oturdu. Aslında sabahı çok severdi. Ama yıllardan beri, çok ender zamanlarda, rahat ve uykusuzluktan sıyrılmış olarak sabahı görme ve yaşama mutluluğuna ere¬bilmişti. Gençliğinde, yaz günleri, Fatih’te oturduğu zamanlarda, sabahleyin güneşin doğuşundan sonra Eyüp’e gidip oradan Haliç’i ve İstanbul’u seyrettiğini hatırladı. İlkönce şehrin üstündeki sessizliği hissetmeye çalışır, İstanbul’u o sessizlikte sanki içer, daha sonra doklardan uğultulu seslerin gelmeye başladığına şahit olurdu. Sonra arabaların, kamyonların, otobüslerin sesleri ve kornalar katılırdı bu senfoniye, çok hafif bir ses ve melodiyle başlayan ve sonra gürültü halini alan senfoniye. Serhat da o zaman iki küçücük odalı evine döner, kitap okumaya çalışırdı.
Talebeliği çetin ama oldukça asude bir şekilde geçmişti. O zor şartlara rağmen İstanbul’u tanımış, sevmiş ve hemen her yerini gezebilmişti. Az fakat hakikatli arkadaşlarıyla gitmediği yer kalmamıştı lakin çoğunlukla yürüyerek, ayaklarına kara sular inerek. Her ev değiştirişinde bir başka semte gitmek zorunda kalışı da, ona İstanbul’u iyice tanıtmıştı. Ayrılmak istemezdi İstanbul’dan. Üniversite için geldiği bu yerden, okulu bitirdikten sonra, iki defa birer seneliğine başka şehirlerde bulunmak zorunda kalmıştı. Belki İstanbul’dan kaçmıştı, lakin yine geri dönmüştü. Şehrin sene-be-sene bozuluşuna, değiştirilişine ve yıkılışına rağmen İstanbul’u yine de sever, arkadaşlarına İstanbul’un, ne olursa olsun, her cefasına katlanacağını söylerdi.
Sonra tiyatro hayatı. Aslında çekirdekten yetişme bir tiyatrocu değildi. Fakülteyi bitirdikten sonra başlamıştı. Konservatuar öğrenimi görmemiş, bu yüzden konservatuardan olanlar ona hep düşmanca bakmışlar, onu hep engellemek istemişlerdi. Okullarda hep tiyatro kolunda olduğunu ve üniversitedeki arkadaşlarıyla iki defa oyun sahneye koyduklarını hatırladı. “Demek ki ben kendimi hep tiyatroya götürmüşüm, yöneltmişim. Lakin sanatın birçok dalına karşı da çok güçlü istekler duymuşumdur; nasip tiyatroya imiş.”
Prensipli ve tavizsiz bir insan olarak tanınırdı. Bu yüzden tiyatro hayatı hep zorluklarla geçmişti. Kendini zor ama çok zor kabul ettirebilmişti. Lakin gerçekten kabiliyetliydi. Bilgi bakımından kendini donatmayı bildiğinden çevresinde kültürlü bir insan olarak tanınırdı. Daha doğrusu onun hayatı bilgiye olan susuzluğunun arayışları içinde geçmişti. Elinden kitap düşmezdi. Evinin bir odasını sadece kitaplara ayırmıştı. Kitapları şimdi oraya da sığmıyordu, evin daha büyük bir odasını mı kitaplara tahsis etsem diye düşünüp duruyordu, bir hayli zamandan beri.
Evlenmişti elbet. Ve çok sevmişti biricik eşini. İki senecik süren evlilikleri ona bir nevi cennet hayatı yaşatmıştı bu ölümlü dünyada. Klasik bir evlenmeydi. Her şeyini borçlu olduğu annesi bulmuştu ona, sevdiği tek kadını. Derinden bir of çekti ve “Onlar olsaydı her şey başka türlü olurdu” dedi kendi kendine. Hanımı, evlenmelerinden iki sene sonra vefat etmişti. Kan kanseri denen menhus hastalık onu iki ay içinde alıvermişti. Çocukları da olmamıştı. “Olsaydı ne olacaktı ya, kalıvereceklerdi annesiz, bir daha evlenemezdim ben. Anacığım da göçmüştü, evliliğimin üçüncü ayında.”
“İyi ama bugüne kadar niçin yaşadım ben? Hangi duygu, hangi fikir, hangi inanç getirdi beni buraya kadar? Bir ödül için miydi yaptığım her şey? Prensiplere riayetim, bu kadar dikkat ve hassasiyetim ne içindi? Bir ödül veya başarı veyahut galibiyet… Hayır, hayır, bunlar için yaşamadım ben. Lakin şu anda, ne için, hangi gaye uğruna hayat sürdüğümü de açıklayamıyorum kendime. Boşuna bir ömür geçirdim belki de. 46 senenin nihayeti doluluk değil boşluk. Var oldum mu ben? Kendimden sonrakilere ne bıraktım? İki üç oyundaki iki üç mimik, iki üç jest, birkaç hareket. Hepsi bu işte. Uçan ve buharlaşan hava. Kaçan ve bir daha bulunmayan bulut. Belki bunlar bile değil…”
Yine kaçmıştı rahatı. Senelerden beri bu tip soru ve ağrıların zaman zaman onu yokladığı olurdu. O anlarda, soğuk bir duş almışçasına birden irkilir, sanki birdenbire hızlanıveren kalp atışlarıyla bunalır, terler ve yorgun düşerdi. Bu yüzden hemen kovmaya çalışırdı, bu tip düşünceleri. Fakat kimi zaman fazla hasara uğramadan kurtulursa da, çoğunlukla sabahlara kadar bu sorularla boğuşur, uğraşır ve didişirdi. Bir sonuca varamazdı, bir karara eremezdi. Çünkü bütün bir hayatın tamamıyla değiştirilmesi gerekiyordu. Gidilen yönün bırakılması ve yeni bir yönün seçilmesi isteniyordu. Onun için bu sorulara yenilir ve sonuçta bir arkadaşına gider, ferahlar, veya kendini tiyatronun bin bir televvününün içine atar ve rahatlardı… Lakin şimdi durum farklıydı. Ödül töreninden sonra yalnız kaldığı ilk andan itibaren bu yana sorular bırakmıyordu kendini. Derin bir muhasebe yapmaya çağırıyorlar, sanki bilançonun artık kesin haliyle belli olmasını istiyorlarmış gibi zorluyorlardı, Serhat Beyi.. İçeri girsem diye düşündü. Girdi, odalar ona zindanmış gibi geldi. Hemen geri döndü, “Kahve içmeseydim keşke, belki uyuyabilirdim” dedi kendi kendine; olmayacaktı, kurtulamayacaktı, bir rahata eremeyecekti. Evden dışarı çıkmaya karar verdi, deniz kenarına gidip hava alacak, belki ferahlayacak ve bu ağır soruların baskısından kurtulabilecekti.
Ceketini aldı, cüzdanını kontrol etti ve kendini dışarı attı. Hemen bir taksiye binip gideceği yeri söyledi ve şehri seyretmeye koyuldu. Tanıyamıyordu bu şehri artık. Her görüşünde bir başka şekil alıyordu. Sürekli makyaj tazeleyen, aşırı derecede süslenen ama yaptığını kendine yakıştıramayan müptezel kadınlara dönmüştü bu şehir. Görmeye alıştığı bir yapıyı bir sonraki gelişinde yerinde bulamıyor; acaba hiç yok muydu diye bir duyguya kapılıyor, yerinde berbatın berbatı bir şekilde dikilen yeni binayı ise gözü bir yerden ısırıyordu. “Nasıl olsa şimdilerde yapılan bütün binalar birbirine benzemek zorundadır, benzeyemezlerse şahsiyetlerini yitirirler, kişiliksizliğin şahsiyetini.”
İstediği yere, denize vardıklarında durmasını söyledi şoföre. Parasını ödedi, indi ve sahilde yürümeye, denize bakmaya ve derin derin soluk almaya başladı. Biraz ferahlamıştı. Denizin havası ve hissettirdiği sonsuzluk fikri onu her zaman yumuşatmayı başarırdı. Bugün deniz ayrıca çok güzeldi. Çok hafif dalgaları, yeşile yaklaşan rengi, serin ve sakin rüzgârıyla, bambaşkaydı Boğaz. “Bir burası kaldı, sadece Boğaz’ı kaldı İstanbul’un.”
—Aaa! Bakın Serhat Bey, meşhur aktör. Ne kadar da yakışıklıymış meğer…
Birdenbire bir alay kot pantolonlu genç kız etrafını sarıvermişti. Üniversiteli olmalıydılar. Hepsi bir ağızdan konuşuyorlar, adeta haykırıyorlardı.
— Yalnızken hep buraya mı gelirsiniz?
— Hep yalnız mı dolaşırsınız?
— Denizden mi ilham alıyorsunuz?
— Tebrik ederiz, aldığınız ödül için. Büyük bir başarı doğrusu. “Tebrik” lafını duyunca zaten irkilmiş olan Serhat, tiksintiyle bakmaya başladı kızlara. “Başka bir şey bilmezler zaten, insanı bir an yalnız bıraksalar ne olur. Babanızın oğlu muyum ben? Nasıl kurtulacağım bu kertenkelelerden?” O sırada bir taksi gördü. Sadece bir “pardon” dedi ve taksiyi çağırdı. Kaçarcasına bindi ve “uzaklaş hemen buradan” dedi şoföre. Şoför yılışıkça;
— Erkek adam kadından kaçar mı ya, beyefendi, deyince;
— Kes sesini de işine bak sen, diye şoförü azarladı, ve evini tarif etti.
* * *
Yine dönmüştü evine. Bir koltuğa çöktü ve başını ellerinin araşma aldı. Korkunç bir şekilde başı ağrıyordu. Şakaklarını acıtırcasına ovdu. Lakin faydası yoktu. Tanıdık bir ağrıydı bu, yakıcı, delirtici, hain bir baş ağrısı. “Ne yapacağım şimdi ben” dedi. Dünya sanki üzerine çökmüştü. Kıvrandı, kımıldadı. Ayağa kalktı, bir o odaya girdi, bir bu odaya. Balkona çıktı olmadı, kütüphane olarak kullandığı odaya girdi, zindana girmiş gibi kapkaranlık bir duygu kapladı her yerini. Evden dışarı çıkma seçeneğini de yitirmişti. Sanki kapana girmişti.
“Ne yapacağım ben, ne yapacağım şimdi. Bütün hayatımı bir hiç uğruna harcadım, mahvettim ben. Yıktım sarayımı. Harab ettim evimi. Ah! Çıldıracağım şimdi. Ne güzel, ödül aldığının ertesi günü aktör Serhat delirdi diyecekler, gazeteler meşhur aktör Serhat Bey delirdi diye yazacaklar. Bir de kendinden bahsetmelerini düşünüyorsun. Kurtulmak istediğin şey nedir senin? Nedir kaçtığın senelerden beri. Varamadığın yer neresi? Sürekli kendine sığmıyorsun. Yine kendine sığmıyorsun sonunda. Of, içimdeki soru canavarı hortladı yine. Bir çıkarabilsem onu içimden, ayaklarımın altında ezeceğim hiç acımadan. Benden bir parçadır demeyeceğim. Lakin bu soruların ve bu soruların bana böyle sık sık gelmesinin bir sebebi olmalı…”
“Peki, ne yapacağım şimdi ben. Sokağa bile çıkamaz oldum. Televizyondan yayınladılar elbet; o berbat ödül törenini. Görmüştür tabii ki herkes. Şimdi kaçabilirsem kaç bakalım. Yalnızlık artık bana haram. Sahnede bana o kadar güzel gelen şey, bakışların üzerimde olması, hayatta ne kadar sıkıcı ve bunaltıcı bir hal oluyor. Sahnede neden hoşuma gidiyor; dünyadan kurtuluyorum belki de ondan. Dünyada, dünyanın içinde başka bir dünya. Ama dünyada başka bir dünyaya ne gerek var ki. Büyük dünyada küçücük bir dünya, daracık, dapdaracık. Yapma, taklit, kısa ömürlü, lakin sürekli tekrarlanan, tekrarlanmayınca artık rahat edilmeyen, bir defa alışılınca artık bırakılmayan… Bir başka kişilikle yaşanan, sürekli başka kişiliklerle şahsın kendinden kurtulduğu dünya, kurtulduğunu sandığı, kaçtığını zannettiği… Neden insan kendinden kaçmaya gerek duysun, insan neden kendini yapaylaştırsın? Hayatın içinde ama hayattan uzak ve hayattan küçük bir hayatı seçmek niye? Hayat ve dünya, yaşamak ve kaçmak, hayat sürmek veya suni bir hayatı seçmek. Suç ve ceza. Hayat veya ceza. Dünya veya suç…”
Cezanı çek bakalım. Hazineyi ellerinle saçtın sen, ayaklar altına serdin. Çek bakalım cezanı. Ağır ceza mahkemeleri bile yetmez yargılanman için. Daha büyük bir yargı organı bulmalısın kendine. Büyük ve ağır ve muhteşem bir ceza; yüksek, çok yüksek ve muazzam bir mahkeme.
—İntihar mı? Evet… Yoo, hayır. Evet, evet. Ama nasıl. Yoo, hayır olamaz, asla. Olur olur. Olur dostum. Her şeyden, kendinden ve bilhassa, sorulardan, sorgucudan uzaklaşmanın en mükemmel yolu. Lakin nasıl…
—Hiç kimsenin yapmadığı, düşünmediği bir yolla, Merak etme, zekân sana mükemmel bir yol bulacaktır. Zekân, her zaman en yakın dostun olmuştur, şimdi de vefakâr arkadaşın…
Büyük ve çetin kararsızlıklardan sonra doğru bir neticeye varmış insanlar gibi düşünmeye başlamıştı. Kendince boş geçirdiğini düşündüğü hayatını insanlara ve insanlığa büyük bir ders vererek noktalayacak ve böylelikle aslında örnek bir insan olacaktı. Hayatında olamadığı ve yapamadığı şeyi elde edecekti: Örnek insanı…
Bilinen bütün intihar yolları, aklından film şeridi gibi hızla geçti. Hiçbirini beğenmedi. Hatta bazısından tiksindi bile. Kendine yakışır bulmadı. Bazıları için “Herhalde çok aceleleri vardı. Benimse acelem yok; bu kadar boşluktan sonra tam bir doluluk, hiçlikten sonra heplik.” dedi kendi kendine. Kalktı, evde şöyle bir dolaştı. Ev artık kendisine sıkıcı gelmiyordu. Bir zaman böyle gezindikten sonra aklına ilginç bir fikir gelir gibi oldu. Gitti bir koltuğa oturdu. Önce bu fikrin durumunu tartıştı kendisiyle. Evet, yepyeni bir şekildi bu. Kimsenin denemediği hatta düşünemediği yepyeni bir intihar biçimi. Gitti, kendine bir kahve yaptı. Koyu bir kahve. Ağır ağır içti, yudum yudum. Düşünmeye ve ayrıntılar üzerine kafa yormaya devam ediyordu. Şöyle mi olurdu, böyle mi yapılırdı. Şunu yapmalı mıydı, yoksa yapmamalı mı..Tam çözemediği bazı noktaları nasıl aşacağını da yavaş yavaş halletmeğe başlamıştı. Problem çözümlendi, sonuç elde edildi ve kâğıt kalem ele alınarak her şey yazıldı ve bazı şekiller çizildi…
Plan şuydu; Kendisi yatağına sırt üstü uzanacak, uzun ve dik cam ve metaller tavandaki bir platformda asılı bulunacak, bütün bu düzenek bir düğme ile idare edilebilecek, düğmeye basıldığında cam ve metallerin sivri uçları bedene bir anda batıverecek ve maksat elde edilecekti. Planın mükemmelliği karşısında gurur duydu, ama ürpermekten ve sonucun dehşetinden kendini de alamadı. Bir anda kurtuluşsuz ölüm. Kaçmak istese de kaçamazdı, çünkü odanın her yeri bu sivri aletlerle donanmış bulunacaktı. Eğer bir defa düğmeye basılırsa…
Kalktı. Şekilli kâğıtları katladı, ceketinin cebine koydu. Doğru bankasına gitti. Bütün parasını çekti. Bir takım birbirinden alakasız dükkânlara gidip istediği aletleri tarif edecek, sonra da düzeneği evinde kendisi tamamlayacaktı. Düşüne düşüne yürümeye başladı.
Sonucu hatırladı. Bıçaklanmış gibi irkildi. İnsanların kendisine bakmasından çekinerek yürümeye devam etti. “Ne yaptım ben, neye karar verdim, intihar mı edeceğim yani. Gerçekten mi, hakikat mi bütün bu olanlar” dedi kendi kendine. Hafakanları geldi aklına, soruları boğucu soruları. Kulağı ‘”tebrik ederim, tebrik ederim” sesleriyle çınladı. Yeniden boğulur gibi olmaya başlamıştı. Birden aklına bir romanda okuduğu bir cümle geldi:
“İntihar, acizlerin hayatın sonsuz manasına yönelttikleri en güçsüz saldırıdır.”
Birden zavallılaşıvermişti. Erimişti sanki. “Evet, bir acizim ben, yapacak başka hiçbir şeyim yoktu da onun için intihara karar verdim. Lakin kuşatılmış olduğum anlamsızlıklardan nasıl sıyrılacağım ben. Düşünce, hayal ve ideallerimin beni getirdiği, kendimi getirdiğim yerde, bir hiç olduğumu, hiçbir şey yapamamış bulunduğumu anlamasam intihara karar verir miydim. İşte bu da acizliğin bir başka göstergesi, Acizim ben, zayıf, bitkin, yorgun… Ne güzel söylemiş kitap.”
-Hayır, hayır. Bir aciz olamazsın sen. Sen güçlüsün, sen kuvvetlisin. Herkesi dize getirdin sen. Sonunda ödülü de sana verdiler. Bir tek sen alabilirdin onu. Başkası asla. Aslında bir kahramansın sen. Senin yapacağın şu iş de azim bir şeydir. Başka hiç bir kimsenin düşünemediği, bulamadığı büyük bir iş. Yapamayacağı ve beceremeyeceği.. Ne kadar büyük bir faaliyet üzerinde olduğunu unutma dostum. Kıymetini bil. Ölmez bir eser bırakacaksın sonunda…
Bir sarkaç gibi bir o fikre, bir bu düşünceye doğru sallanıyor, bocalıyor ve terliyordu. Bu durum omuzlarını düşürmüş, adımlarını yavaşlatmış, zavallı bir hale düşürmüştü. Dışardan bakan birisi ondaki bu iç mücadeleyi rahatlıkla görebilirdi. Bakışlarını öne, hatta ayaklarına eğmiş dalgın dalgın yürüyordu.
“Bir karardan dönmek kolaydır. Sonra her şeyin de bir açıklaması vardır. Kendine, yapamadığın bir şeyin, nasıl ve niçin ve ne türlü yapılamayacağını hatta birkaç yoldan anlatabilirsin ve kendini ikna edersin, lakin sancısı sonra çıkar ortaya. En unuttuğun zamanda, en umulmadık bir yerde, karar verdiğin halde yapmadığın, yapmamağa kendini ikna ettiğin duygular canlanıverir birden. Bak, ikide birde bıçak gibi saplanan sorulara daha önce cevap arasaydm, kaçmasaydm o sorulardan, veya bulduğun cevaplara ne pahasına olursa olsun uysaydın, bugün belki de şu durumda olmazdın.”
“İntihar, acizlerin hayatın sonsuz manasına yönelttikleri en güçsüz saldırıdır.”
“Çıldırtacak bu söz beni. Nereden okumuştum o romanı sanki. Sıkıla sıkıla okuduğum, sıkıntılı bir zamanımda okuduğum o romandan ne elde ettim sanki, beynimi zonklatan bu cümleden başka. Kitabın yazarı, bakalım biliyor mu, intiharın ne demek olduğunu. Peki, neden etkiliyor bu cümle şimdi beni bu kadar. Çıldıracağım.”
—Dostum kitaplar her zaman doğruyu söylemezler. Hele bir romansa bu, onda sen doğruyu çok zor bulursun. Hayal gücü denilen illetli duygunun şekillenmiş halidir roman. Bırak bu illetleri de kendi şifana bak sen…
Kendisine birisinin iyice yaklaştığım fark etti. Karşısındakini iyice süzerek başını ağır ağır adamın yüzüne doğru kaldırdı. Temiz ama eski giyimli biriydi. Yaşı kırkın üzerinde olmalıydı. Bıyıklıydı. Sakalı galiba bir haftadır tıraş edilmemişti.
—Bana birazcık para verebilir misiniz?..
Ceketinin sağ cebinden bir elli bin lira çıkarıp umursamadan adama verdi ve yürümeye devam etti. Belki on adım atmamıştı ki insiyaki bir tavırla öndü, adamı merak etmiş ve görmek istemişti. Fakat hayret, adam kaybolmuştu. “İmkânsız” dedi kendi kendine. “Nereye gitti bu adam.” Derin bir hayrete düşüvermişti. Etraftaki apartmanlara girebileceğini düşündü, ama böyle bir adamın bu apartmanlarda ne işi olabilirdi ki. Yolun karşı tarafına da baktı, göremedi. Aradı, taradı, başka nereye gitmiş olabileceğini hesapladı, bulamadı. Bulamıyordu, bu hadiseyi çözemiyordu. Lakin hayretle beraber bir serinlik de gelmişti Serhat Bey’e. Aktörün içine bir ferahlık sokuluvermişti. Bu duyguyu fark ettiğinde hayreti bir kat daha arttı. “Ne oluyor, bu his gerçek bir duygu mu, yok değilse ne oluyor bana? Yoksa deminki hadise de mi gerçek değil? Ne oluyor, ne oluyor bana? Bana gelen bu sükûnet neyin eseri? Nereden geldi bu duygu bana?”
Yürümeye devam etti. Zihni biraz sakinleşmişti. Kendinden biraz kurtulmuş gibiydi. Artık etrafa bakınmaya başlamıştı. Sorulardan, sorgulardan ve yıkıcı halinden yavaş yavaş dışarı çıkıyordu. Havanın güzel olduğunu fark etti. İnsanların neşesini fark etti. Çocukların seslerini ve sevinçlerini fark etti. Namazdan çıkıp evlerine dönen yaşlıları fark etti. İçlerinden birisini sanki tanıyor gibiydi. “Sanki, sanki, sanki…” dedi kendin kendine. Üniversite yıllarında tanıdığı önce komşusu, sonra da hocası olan zata ne kadar benziyordu. Kimseyi, ondan başka hiçbir kimseyi, hatta lise ve üniversitedeki öğretmenlerini bile “hoca” olarak kabul etmemişti. Onunla yapılmış olan konuşmalarını, hocasının derin ve ileriye matuf öğütlerini ve bu nasihatlerin sonraları nasıl da birer birer çıktığını, ama o güzel sözlere pek de riayet etmediğini, “hocam” dediği halde onun gösterdiği yoldan yürümediğini hatırladı. Evet, gerçek bir âlimdi o, bir bilge; lakin aynı zamanda bir hayat adamıydı o, bir halk adamı. Halkın içinde yaşayan, insanlardan hiçbir şekilde ayrılmamış derin bir adamdı. Hatta ilk bakışta onun bir âlim olduğu fark edilmezdi. O, kendini bir gül gibi yavaş yavaş açan zor bir insandı. Herkese de açmazdı, açılmazdı. Lakin bir defa da açıldı mı enginleri yakın eder, zorları kolay eder, görülemeyen şeyleri bir bir önüne koyardı insanın.
—Oğlum” demişti bir gün, hiçbir sebep ve vesile yokken; “İntihar, ancak, savaşta düşman eline düşerse bir insan, ona bildiği sırları açıklaması için işkence ve eziyet ederlerse, işte ancak o zaman geçerli bir çözüm olabilir. O zaman kendini, kendi eliyle yok edebilir bir insan. Hatta bu bir kahramanlık olur. Yoksa dünyadaki hiçbir şey, hayattaki hiç bir sıkıntı intihar etmeye değmez. İntihar acizliktir. Acizliğin sevkiyle intihar edilir. İyi bir şey değil intihar.” demiş ve gözlerinin ta içine, kalbine ve göğsünün derinlerine kadar nüfuz eden bir bakışla nazar etmişti.
İntihardan vazgeçmişti artık. Ne yapacağına da karar vermişti. Artık, ne kadar geç olursa olsun, yaşı ne kadar ilerlemiş olursa olsun, hocasının kendisinden istediği şekilde yaşamaya çalışacaktı. İstiyordu, öyle bir şekilde istiyordu ki… Bir kırtasiyeye girdi ve biraz sonra çıktı ve bir taksiye atladı. Emekliliğini isteyen dilekçeyi ilgili amire verdi, onun “Henüz gençsiniz Serhat Bey, üstelik en başarılı zamanınızda, dorukta bulunduğunuz bir anda, neden emeklilik?” sorusuna, “Her şeyi tadında bırakmak lazım” dedi kibarca.
“Tadı kaçmış, hem de çok zaman önce kaçmış olan bir şeyi bırakıyorum” dedi kendi kendine. “Ama gel de bunu insanlara anlat. Çekeceğiz artık. Çekmek zorundayız ve çekeceğiz. Şimdiye kadar katlandıklarımdan daha kolay olacak şüphesiz. Huzuru kaybettikten sonra görünüşteki başarıyı neyleyim. Ne yapayım aptalca bir başarıyı. Lakin önümdeki hayat da ilk zamanlarda tadımı tuzumu çok kaçıracak. Peşimi bırakmayacaklar, biliyorum. Herkese yaptığımı açıklamak zorunda kalacağım. Herkese tek tek anlatmak ve açıklamak zorundayım. Gerçi istediğim ve istenilen şekilde açıklayamayacağım. Lakin kararımın arkasında yatan gizli ama gerçek sebebi hissettirebilirsem, belki bu yolla onlara biraz faydalı olabilirim. Her şey gibi bu da kolay olmayacak… Sonun, sonumun iyi ve hayırlı olacağını tahmin ediyorum lakin. Sanki biliyorum…”
*Haydar Murad Hepsev’in bu hikâyesi, SOHBET kitabında (Mart 1994, s.71–82) yayınlanmıştır.
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