Ç Ö L
Suyumun son damlası biteli saatler olmuştu. Susamıştım. Yolumu kaybetmiştim, çölün ortasında yapayalnızdım. Tırmandığım kaçıncı tepe oluyordu son tırmandığım tepe? Sayıyordum hep sayıyordum. Bu karşımda duran tepe ile son tırmandığım tepe arasında kaç saat yürümüştüm, neden birden bire saymayı, sayıları unutmuştum, neden unuttum Tanrım, yoksa seraba mı yaklaşıyorum? Şu önümdeki tepe son tepe neden olmasın? Öyleyse tırmanmalıyım bana serkeşçe itaat eden bacaklarımın son gücüyle… Ve işte zirve.
Zirvedeyim. Kafam göğsüme düşmüş halde, saatler ve sayılarla uğraşıyordum hâlâ. Bu kaçıncı tepeydi ve bu tepeye tırmanmak için kaç saat harcamıştım. Madem zirvedeyim de neden gerekeni yapmıyorum? Kafamı kaldırıp da bakmıyorum ufka. Ufuk, ‘kaçak ve kurnaz’ ufuk. Kaç tepe tırmandım ve sayılarınca ufka baktım da başka bir tırmanış, yeni bir hüsrandan gayri ne geçti elime. Bakmak bir hüsran, bakmamak bir intihardır şimdi. Ulaştığın sonuç mükemmel ama maksûd bu değil. Kaldır kafanı bak karşına, şimdi düşünmek değil hareket etmek gerek. Hadi kaldır artık kafanı da bak ufka.
Bakabildim nihayet. Birtakım izler görüyorum, işte bakmanın ödülü. Bir iz çöldeki insan için umuttur. Ama bu izler neden benim ayaklarımda bitiyor? Yoksa tırmandığım yöne mi bakıyorum? Evet evet, bu tırmandığım eteği tepenin. Bu izler kendi izlerim. Küçük bir hareket, ufak bir kımıldanış daha denemelisin. Sadece arkanı dönüp ufka doğru bakacaksın. Hadi artık döndür şu bedenini de bak ufka.
Baktım. Beyazlar giyinmiş biri, yere çömelmiş asasıyla kumun üstüne çizgiler çiziyordu. Umutmuş insanı yaşatan, doğru. Biraz önce kafamı kaldıracak gücü bulamazken çarçabuk ona ulaştım. Umutla yaklaştım. “Susuzum ve yolumu kaybettim, bana yardım eder misin” dedim, güçsüz soluğumun ses tellerinden döktürebildiği kadar. “Su kolay” dedi, kırbasını uzattı. Yavaş ve dikkatli içmemi tavsiye etti. İçtim, canlanmıştım. O da bana doğru yönelmişti. Kırbayı ona uzatırken elbisesi kadar beyaz bir sakalı, pırıl pırıl bir yüzü olduğunu gördüm. “Ya yol” dedim, “Yolu tarif edecek misin?”
“Hangisini istiyorsun” dedi sakin sakin, “Yol mu gösteriyim, yolu mu göstereyim?” “Çölde kaybolan insana hangisi lazımsa onu” dedim. “Söylediğin doğru ama bu sorumun cevabı değil. Çöldeyiz ve gördüğün gibi görünürde herhangi bir yol yok. Olsaydı bana gerek kalmayacak kendin gidecektin. Belki gideceğin yere ulaşman için hangisinden yürümen gerektiğini soracaktın bana.”
“Doğru” dedim, “Yol görseydim ben de az çok gideceğim yere ulaştıranı tahmin eder yürümeye başlardım. Fakat bana yardım etmeyecek misin, rica ediyorum?” “İyi ya” dedi, “Ben de onun için uğraşıyorum, yol mu göstereyim, yolu mu göstereyim açıkça söyle bana?”
“Bu Çölde ikimizden başka bir Allah’ın kulu yok çevremizde” dedim kızgın kızgın. “Anladığım kadar çölü tanıyorsun, belki de bu çölün sakinlerindensin. Allah aşkına tartışmayalım, yolu göstermeyeceksen bari yol göster” dedim. “O zaman iş değişir evladım,” dedi. “O zaman son bir soru daha sorma durumundayım” dedi, “Hangi dine mensupsun?”
Şaşkındım. “Bunun yolla ne ilgisi var, lütfen beni yormayın, çölde bir garibim ve suyum da yok, rica ederim yolu…” Sözümü kesti… “Garibim diyorsun; mukimin, bir yerlinin ruh haliyle hareket ediyorsun. Üstelik soruma bir başka soruyla cevap veriyorsun. Rica ederim, soruma cevap verin ki size yardım edebileyim, bir dininiz..?”
Kestim sözünü, artık sabrım kalmamıştı. “Müslümanım elhamdülillah, eğer arzunuz buysa…” “Öyleyse yol sormana ne hacet evladım, doğru yol üzeresin, gel hadi gidelim, şu tepenin arkasında bulunan yemyeşil bir vahada oturuyorum ben. Çadırım da gayet serindir. Buyurun misafirim olun.”
Çölü ve yolu unuttum. Sadece Müslüman olarak, sade bir Müslüman olarak kurtarıcımın arkasına düştüm. Vahaya ulaşmak için aşacak bir tepe kalmıştı, sadece bir tepe.
/// Hayreddin MERAL’in bu hikâyesi, Yüce Devlet Dergisi’nde (1 Ocak 1996, sayı 6, s.10) yayınlanmış; 29 Ocak 2008’de yucedevlet.com sitesine eklenmiş ve Aralık 2011’e kadar 646 kez tıklanmıştır.
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