C A Z İ B E
Tren bekliyordum. Sıkıntılı, tedirgin ve sabırsızdım. Manasını bir türlü bulamadığım bir heyecan vardı üzerimde. Beklemekten de oldum olasıya hoşlanmazdım. Kim hoşlanır ki… Her yere tam vaktinde gidip hiç durmadan yapmam gerekli olan işe hemen başlamak gibi bir huyum vardır. Beklemenin sancısından kaçarım sürekli. Lakin burada, bu küçük taşra kentinde, bu istasyonda rötara sabrederek treni beklemek zorundayım. Bir yere de ayrılamıyorum. Ayağım çakılı bu istasyona sanki. Gitmekten başka işim de, çarem de yok. Bir girdap içinde çırpınır gibi düşünmekten, hayatımın tatsız hadiselerini hatırlayıp üzülmekten, bir aşağı bir yukarı yürümekten başka bir şey yapamıyorum. Dertler, kederler, sıkıntılar üst üste gelir nedense. Eve dönüp de ne olacak. Sürüyle azap beni bekliyor. Ben de, beni o azaplara götürecek treni bekliyorum…
—Affederseniz, Ragıb Bey siz misiniz acaba? Özür dilerim.
Derin bir uykudan uyandırmışlar gibi birden irkildim.
—Evet, ne var; deyiverdim, aceleyle.
—Affedersiniz. Sizi Gani Bey çağırıyor efendim.
—Kim?
—Gani Bey.
—Siz başka bir Ragıb’ı arıyor olacaksınız… Bahsettiğiniz zatla tanışmıyoruz. Buralı da değilim zaten.
—O sizi tanıyor lakin. Onun sizi tarifine tıpatıp uyuyorsunuz. Ayrıca memleketiniz Amasya, fakat doğum yeriniz Ankara. Babanızın adı…
—Tamam, tamam. Ayrıntılara girmeyelim. Gani Bey’in davetine icabet edeyim ama, tren bekliyorum, evime döneceğim.
—Merak etmeyin, efendim. Treni kaçırmayacaksınız.
—Nasıl olacak bu söylediğiniz?
—Sizi merak etmemeniz hususunda temin ederim, efendim. Buyurun… Binbir kuşku, merak ve tereddüt içindeyim. Ama bu çağrının öyle bir cazibesi vardı ki bir köle gibi itaat ettim adama. Bana ne olmuştu bilmiyorum. Kasabanın ana caddesinde dükkânların önünden geçe geçe bir süre yürüdükten sonra, tahminime göre kasabanın en büyük evinin önünde durduk.
—İşte geldik efendim. Gani Bey’in evi burasıdır.
Nedense fark etmemiştim bu kocaman evi. Gerçi kasabayı pek tanımazdım, ama bu ev de buradaki evlerin arasında fark edilmesi gereken bir büyüklükteydi. Garip başlayan hadise enteresanlığını arttırarak devam ediyordu.
—Buyurun, Ragıb Bey.
Adam kapıyı açmış içeri girmemi bekliyordu. Girdim. Alabildiğine geniş bir sofanın önündeydik. Sanki evin içi dışından büyük gibiydi. Öyle gelmişti bana. Sonra bu kanaatim daha da kuvvetlenecekti.
—Buyurun efendim, sağdan.
Geniş bir odaya götürdü beni. “Gani Bey sizi burada kabul edecekler, efendim.” dedi. Kapıyı kapadı ve çekti gitti. Evde büyük bir sessizlik vardı. Odayı incelemeye koyuldum. Temiz, ferah, zevkle döşenmiş, intizam içinde bir odaydı. Gerçi ilk bakışta bir düzen fikri göze çarpmıyordu ama gittikçe bunu daha iyi anlıyordunuz. Her şey yerli yerindeydi… Odanın kapısını rahatça görebileceğim bir yer seçtim kendime ve oturdum. Aslında kendimden pek rahat değildim. İstasyondaki halime, bir de acaba doğru mu yapıyorum endişesi eklenmişti. Tren şu anda bile gelmiş ve çekip gitmiş olabilirdi. Gerçi adam bu husus hakkında güya beni temin etmişti. Lakin içimde birkaç yer birden buna itiraz ediyordu. Hayatıma ait birçok mesele çözüm bekliyordu ve bir an önce onları halletmeye başlamalıydım. Nasıl ve ne şekilde ne yapmam gerektiğinden tamamen bihaberdim ama yine de bir ucundan tutup çalışmam gerekiyordu. Önümdeki meseleler bir bir gözümün önüne geldiler. İşten ayrılmıştım, yeni bir iş bulmam gerekiyordu. Çocuklar okula başlayacaklardı. Onların masrafları temin edilmeliydi. Ev sahibinin kızı evleniyordu, birkaç ay içinde kendime yeni bir ev bulmalıydım. Üstüne üstlük, bir de hanım rahatsızdı, belki de ameliyat olması icap edecekti.
Kasabaya gelişimin sebebi de emekli olunca buraya yerleşen amcamın vefatıydı. Yani ailemizde kalan son büyüğümüz. Miras bölüşümündeki haris tavırlarından, babamın hayatının sonuna değin görüşmediği amcam, bizlerden çok uzaklarda bu garip kasabada vefat etmişti. Ben ilgimi kesmemiştim tabii; mektuplaşırdık. Babamla aralarındaki o meseleye hiç temas etmezdi, lakin pişman olduğu her halinden belli olurdu. Rahmetli babamın cenazesine gelmeyişinin sebebi de zannediyorum bu pişmanlığının şiddetindendi. Yengem, son demleri suskun ve azaplı geçti demişti. Suskun ve azaplı. Hâlbuki konuşkan ve neşeli bir insandı. Ne yapayım ben? Sevdiğim insanları birer birer kaybediyorum. Bir anam var, şöyle böyle, yaşlı ve alil, lakin yine de varlığı yalnız varlığı bile büyük bir nimet. Bütün olumsuzlukların ortasında şefkatinin dalga dalga yayılan o nurlu kokusu da olmasa, evet bir de o olmasa…
Bunları düşünürken birdenbire kendime geldim. Hiç bilmediğim bu kimse tarafından hiç bilmediğim bir şahısla görüştürülmek üzere buraya getirilmiştim. Durumun acayipliği ortadaydı. Yine de bu garip hadiseyi unutup kendi hayatımın derinliklerine dalabiliyordum. Hayret ettim kendi kendime. Belki de hayatımın en değişik hadisesini yaşıyordum. Aklıma tren geldi. Düşüncelerim çok uzun bir zaman aldı gibi gelmişti bana. Saatime baktım, kolumda yoktu. Hayret, nereye koymuştum bu saati. Ceplerime baktım, bulamadım. Ne olmuştu bu saat. Kolumdaki son durumunu, çıkarıp bir yerlere koyup koymadığımı düşünmeye başladım. Hatırlayamıyordum. Buhar olmuştu sanki birden yok olup gitmişti. Hatırlayamayışım da garipti, oysa bu tip şeylere çok dikkat etmenin yanı sıra, bir yere bırakmış olduğum bir eşyayı da hemen hatırlayan iyi bir hafızamın olduğunu da biliyorum. İçimde kaybolduğuna dair bir his yoktu. Odaya baktım, herhalde bir saat vardır diye. Duvarlarda saat bulunmuyordu, masanın üstünde de yoktu. Camekânlı dolapta da… Birden zamandan uzaklaşıvermiştim. Gani Bey denilen zat da henüz teşrif etmemişti. Sen memleketine gidecek bir adamı istasyondan evine getirt, sonra da beklet. Kızmaya başlamıştım. Bu zamansızlık ya da daha doğrusu saatsizlik de iyiden iyiye garip bir durumdu. Anlayamıyordum. Hafızamı en ince noktalarına kadar yoklamama rağmen hayret, hüsrana uğruyordum.
Evde çıt yoktu. En ufak bir tıkırtı dahi duyulmuyordu. Aklıma hemen geliveren şey, bu kadar büyük bir evde yalnız iki kişi mi bulunduğu oldu. Lakin her yer tertemizdi. En ufak bir toz kırıntısı bile göze çarpmıyordu. Bu hale bakınca evin her gün muntazaman temizlendiğini kabul etmekten başka çare kalmıyordu. Hayır, bu koca evde yalnız iki kişi bulunamazdı. Gerçi, henüz, yalnız birisiyle tanışmıştım. Diğerini bilmiyordum, burada bu kadar beklememe veya beklediğimi zannetmeme rağmen. Gerçi hemen dönmem gerekiyordu. Önümde yığınla çözülecek problem vardı ve bir an önce bir yerlerden başlamalıydım. İyi, ama ne zaman kabul edilecektim ben? Sıkılmaya başlamıştım. Oturduğum yerden kalktım, odada biraz dolaştım, kendimi durduramayarak kapıya yöneldimse de “hele biraz daha sabret, ev sahibine hürmet lazım” deyip yine oturdum. Gayri ihtiyari saatime baktım. Tabii ki yerinde yoktu, bakmadığım süre zarfında birisi getirip koluma takacak değildi ya. Çocukken bazen böyle düşündüğüm olurdu. Hocanın verdiği ödevi odamda açık bırakıp dışarı çıkar bir süre dışarıda o ödevin birisi tarafından yapılacağı zannıyla vakit geçirdikten sonra döndüğümde hiçbir şey bulamazdım elbet. Ama sonra oturur o ödevi kısa bir zamanda bitiriverirdim. Galiba o dışarıda geçirdiğim zaman ruhi bir hazırlık olurdu bana. Ama şimdi durum farklıydı.
Bir nefes çektim içime sesli sesli, ve sonra uzun bir solukla dışarıya salıverdim aynı nefesi. Bekletilmekten hiç bir kimse hoşlanmaz. Lakin ben burada hem bekletiliyorum, hem de mevhum bir şeyi bekliyor bir halde bırakılıyorum. Belirsizlik de kararsızlık gibi bir şey aslında, anlamadan yoruyor insanı.
Uyumayı bir deneyeyim dedim kendime. Belki biraz zaman geçirebilirim zannıyla. Ama nafile, zaten epeyce bir zamandır uyumada veya uykuya geçmede sıkıntı çekiyorum. Sonra bilmediğim, tanımadığım yerde uyumak zaten âdetim de değildir, uyuyamam. Oturduğum yerden kalktım.
Yine adımlamaya başladım odayı. Birden…
Birden kapı açıldı. İki adam göründü dışarıdan. Beni buraya getiren kimse bir başka kişiyi daha odaya buyur ediyordu:
—Buyurun efendim, Gani Bey sizi burada kabul edecekler, dedi. Affedersiniz demeye kalmadan kapı kapanmıştı bile. Kapıya doğru koşup açmaya çalıştırma da biliyordum ki bu bildiğimi doğrulamaktan başka bir işe yaramayacak. Ama yine de yapacağımı yaptım ve zannımı bir daha haklı çıkarmış oldum. Kapı kilitliydi. Aklıma birden geldi ki yeni misafirin bu odaya girmezden hemen önce de bir kilit açılma sesi duymamıştım. Acaba duydum da dalgınlığımın derinliğinden dolayı fark etmedim mi diye düşünmekten kendimi alamadım. Lakin yine de bir ses duymam gerekirdi; anlamadığım şeyler o kadar çoğalmıştı ki…
Yeni misafirle tanıştık. Onu da Gani Bey davet etmiş. Yine tren garından gelen ikinci misafir. Aynı trenin aynı yerde misafir edilen iki ayrı yolcusu. Talib Bey öğretmenmiş. Aslen buralı. Ama pek kimsesi kalmamış. Kendilerine ait bir bağ varmış, onunla ilgili bir meseleyi halletmeye gelmiş. Sıkıntılı bir ruh hali sezdim Talib Bey’de. Ya da kendi üzerimdeki sıkıntıdan doğan yanlış bir zehapla onda da bir azap varsaydım. Tabii ben de ona tanıttım kendimi. Sonra gözlerimizi kaçırdık birbirimizden, bir daha tekrar karşılaştırmaktan korkarcasına.
Sessizlik kapladı yine zaten sessiz olan evi. Veya dışta sessizlik, lakin içlerde bir nevi gürültü, bir çeşit hareket, bir tür uğultu. Bir takım garip haletlere şimdi bir de yanımdaki adamın durumu eklenmişti. Neden gelmişti veya Gani Bey onu neden çağırmıştı? Veya ikimizi birden çağırıp ta bu odada tutmasının sebebi neydi? Sorular, sorular… Cevapsız ve sonuçsuz sorular…
Şimdi istediğim gibi hareket edemiyordum. Kalkıp dolaşmak yahut kapıyı açmaları için bağırmak veya en azından bir hareketle sıkıntımı belirtmek imkânsız gibi geriyordu bana. Zannediyorum benzer durum Talib Bey için de söz konusuydu. Yüz hatları gerilmişti; oturuşu ikircikli bir haldeydi. Belki bir başka şahsı burada görmeyi beklemiyordu. Belki buraya gelişinin bir başkası tarafından bilinmesini istemiyor olabilirdi. Bizi buraya getiren adamın teklifini kabul etmekten veya benim gibi çabucak ikna olmaktan dolayı çelişkili bir ruh vaziyetinde de olabilirdi.
Geçirmekte olduğumuz bu garip macerayı sonra bir başkasına anlatmak mevzubahis olsa kim bilir ne çok suale muhatap olurduk. Çoğunu cevaplamaktan âciz kalırdık şüphesiz. Çoğu değil belki de hemen hepsi karşısında susar kalırdık herhalde. Kendimize bile cevaplayamadıktan sonra bir başkasına anlatmak muhal olurdu…
Talib Bey başını öne eğmiş ayaklarına bakıyordu; uzun zamandır. Kimi zaman ayaklarım sallıyor, kimi zaman da başını kaşıyordu. Bir sual sormak üzere olduğunu hissediyordum, lakin karar verip verip vazgeçiyordu. Başım kaldırmadan gözlerini benim bulunduğum tarafa çeviriyor, başını kaldırmak istiyor, velâkin vaziyetini değiştirmiyordu. Ona nazaran ben, bu garip halette, daha fazla tecrübeli olduğumdan yine de daha rahat davranabiliyordum. Neden sonra başını yavaşça kaldırdı ve “Ragıp Bey, neden buradasınız? Niçin geldiniz?” diye sorunca,
—Bilmiyorum, bilemiyorum, dedim ona.
—Yani hiç bir açıklama getiremiyor musunuz?
—Belki bir açıklaması veya birçok izahı vardır durumumuzun. Lakin ne söylesem boş. Cazibe diyeyim size bir kelimeyle; siz de ne derseniz deyin.
Gömdü yine başını omuzlarına. Artık ayaklarını sallamaktan veya başını kaşımaktan çekinmesi kalmamış, sıkıntısını açıkça izhar eder olmuştu. Önemli bir imtihana, sözlü bir sınava hemen giriverecek heyecanlı bir talebe görünümündeydi. Ne yapsa zapt edemiyordu kendini. Duvar saatinin sarkacına benzemişti.
Evet, bir cazibeydi bizi buraya çeken. Fakat ne tür bir etkinin altında bulunduğumuzu tespit etmekte acizdik. Kendi ayaklarımızla ve isteyerek gelmiştik buraya. Lakin getirilmiştik demekten başka çaremiz de yoktu. Ama… Neredeyse gelecek olan treni bırak da, ne olduğunu bilmediğin bir daveti kabul et ve gel bir odaya hapsol. Halletmem gereken problemlerin, dönmekten başka bir seçeneğin yokken ardını bilmediğin bir maceraya giriş ve gel bir odaya, hapsol. Hadi cazibe kelimesiyle açıkla bakalım bütün bunları..
Aynı anda derin derin nefesler çekip sesli sesli salıverdik Talib Bey’le. Bakıştık. Gözlerimiz aynı şeyi kararlaştırmışlardı. O benden önce davrandı:
—Ne yapalım?
—Yapacak pek bir şeyimiz yok, dedim.
—Kapıyı kıralım, dedi.
—Hayır, olmaz, dedim ona, ev sahibine karşı edepsizlik etmiş oluruz.
—Ama o bizi buraya hapsetti. Bir miktar zamandır beni ve kim bilir ne zamandır sizi bekletip duruyor da karşımıza bile çıkmıyor, diye zemberekten boşanmış bir yay gibi hiddetini savuruverdi.
—Olmaz, dedim, davetini kabul etmeyebilirdik en azından. Geldiysen, gelmeyi kabul ettiysen beklemek bir borçtur artık.
—Dayanmak lazım, ama nasıl Ragıb Bey…
—Sabrederek…
Konuşma ve içini boşaltma biraz rahatlatmıştı Talib Beyi. Lakin sıkıntıyı indirgeyip rahatlamaya dönüştürmek benim için de onun için de imkânsızdı. Bu patlamaya hazır ruh haletinden anladım ki arkadaşım da benim gibi bir sürü dertle donatılmıştır. Bu vaziyette arkadaşlık da edilmiyordu. Belki biraz sohbet etmek ferahlatacak, açacaktı bizi. Fakat avını gözeten iki kaplan gibiydik, ne mümkündü iki kelime konuşmak. Veya kurbanlık koyunlar gibi beklemekten başka bir şey yapamayan iki aciz…
Dış sessizlikle ters orantıda bir iç uğultusu bürümüştü bizi. Artık ben Talib Beyi, o da beni unutmuştu. Bakmıyordu bana artık. Düşünceler içindeydik…
Birden uyandım. Baktım ki Talib Bey de uyanmış. Herhalde aynı anda olmuştu bu. Gülümsedi bana, ben de karşılık verdim.
—Uyumuşuz herhalde, dedi.
—Evet, galiba, dedim.
Nasıl olmuştu bu. Hele ben nasıl uyuyabilmiştim. Bu bilmediğim mekânda, bu bilmediğim tanımadığım insanın yanında nasıl bırakmıştım kendimi. Uykuya nasıl geçivermiştim, uyuyuncaya kadar binlerce zahmet çeken ben. Hayretler içindeydim. Sanki başkalaşmış gibi hissediyordum kendimi.
Birden kapı açıldı. Bizi buraya getiren kimse bir kişiyi daha getirmişti. İkimiz de yerimizden bile kımıldamadık.
—Buyurun Gani Bey sizi burada kabul edecekler, dedi, bizlere dediği gibi o adam. Yeni misafir “merhaba” dedi ikimize. Yanımızdaki koltuğa oturdu. Mütebessim bir çehresi vardı gençti, uzunca boyluydu, neşeli bir insana, benziyordu.
Canlı bir sesle:
—Sizler de mi Gani Bey’in davetlisisiniz, dedi. Oysa kendimi ben tek sanıyordum. Lakin böylesi daha iyi. Sadece ev sahibiyle olmaktansa başka insanlarla da birlikte olmayı tercih ederim, sanki ev sahibine minnetim azalıyor gibi gelir bana, ne dersiniz?” dedi.
Odanın içini başka bir ruh sarmıştı sanki bu yeni misafirle. Talib Bey’e baktım yüz hatları gevşemişti, rahatlamış görünüyordu. O da bana baktı, memnuniyetini izhar ederek,
—Gani Bey’in davetlisi olan üç kişi, dedi.
—Ya da Gani Beyi bekleyen üç misafir, dedim. Yeni misafirimiz pek anlamadıysa da üstünde durmadı.
—Tren bekliyordum garda. Biraz önceki bey bana geldi ve “Gani Bey sizi evine davet ediyor” dedi. “Bir yanlışlık olmasın, beni birine benzetmiş olmayasınız, ben sizi de Gani Bey’i de tanımıyorum” dediysem de ismini, memleketimi, babamı annemi saymaya başlayınca beni iyiden iyiye tanıyan biri olduğuna karar verip geldim buraya, dedi.
Talib Bey’le ikimiz anlatılanlara güldük elbette. Tanıştık yeni misafirimizle; ismi Çağrı imiş, İstanbulluymuş, bu taşra kentine gelme sebebi ise üniversiteden bir arkadaşını ziyaret imiş. Büyük şehirde büyüyen hemen her insan gibi köye, kasabaya, kıra karşı büyük merak duyan toyca bir gençti. Safça konuşmaları bizi gülümsetiyordu. Ama olsun, onun gelişiyle birden ferahlayıvermiştik.
Sanki hiçbir şey olmamış, garip bir durumda değilmişiz, bu odada hapsolunmamışız gibi gayet tatlı ve koyu bir sohbete dalmıştık. Bekletilmek veya zaman fikrinden uzaklaşmak rahatsız etmiyordu artık. Bir çayımız eksikti diye düşünüyordum. Yanımdaki adam yanındakine “hadi çay içmeye gidelim” deyince birden uyandım.
Trendeydim. Sabah olmak üzereydi. Tren bir dağa tırmanıyordu. Ağır ağır giderken ritimli tıkırtılarındaki ahengi hissediyordum. Sabahın yalın ışıkları kompartımanın içini munisçe doldurmuştu. Kompartımanda altı kişiydik. İkisi henüz çıkmışlardı. Karşımda üç kişi oturuyordu. Gördüm ki karşımdaki üç kişiden ikisi Talib Bey’le Çağrı idi. Şaşırmıştım. Onlar da henüz uyanmıştılar. Birbirini şaşkınca fark eden üç kişi duruma ve birbirlerine hayretle bakıyordular. Hiçbir şey söyleyecek durumda değildik.
O evdeki, o odadaki tecrübemiz gerçek miydi; gerçekse şimdi nasıl buradayız, değilse oradaki hatıramız olmamalı değil mi diye, düşünüyordum. Gani Bey’i elbette ki görememiştik. Evden nasıl çıkmış, trene nasıl binmiş ve buraya kadar ne suretle gelmiş olduğumuz aklımı kurcalıyordu. Anlayamıyordum. Adlandıramadığım bir halet içindeydim. Şaşırmıştım. Sanki zamanın bir parantezinde yaşamış gibiydim. Birden cebimde bir şişkinlik hissettim, elimi götürdüğümde bir tomar para olduğunu anladım. Hayretimi bir kat daha arttırdı bu hadise. Bir deste para… Ne oluyordu bilmem. Talib Bey’le Çağrı da ellerini ceplerine götürmüşler ve onlar da birer tomar para bulmuşlardı. Sorgulu sualli gözlerle bir daha bakıştık. Yüzlerimiz gülmeye başladı; Talib Bey,
—Cazibe demek ha Ragıb Bey kardeşim ne demek istemiştiniz yani.
—Cazibe işte. Cezb etmekten gelir bu kelime. Meczub da bu kelimeden türemiş; cezb edilmiş, çekilmiş demek. Çekersin, çekilirsin; istersin, istenirsin, yönelirsin. Senin için istemişlerdir, bilemezsin. Bulursun işte sonunda, dedim. Bir pay alırsın, kendine göre, gücüne kuvvetine göre; niyetine, çalışmana göre…
Çağrı yine bir şey anlamıyordu. Yine de aldırmıyor nazik, tatlı, ahenkli sesiyle iddialı bir şeyler söylemeye devam ediyordu.
—Üç çay, dedi Talib Bey.
Ne güzel, çay servisi yapılıyordu trende.
Bize üç çay verdi çaycı.
Sabahleyin ne güzel oluyordu hele trende çay içmek…
*Haydar Murad Hepsev’in bu hikâyesi, Sohbet kitabında (İstanbul, Mart 1994, s.51–59) yayınlanmıştır.
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