DARABE ZEYD’ÜN AMR’AN
O gün yine fena bir şekilde dönüyordu evine, Amr. Yine fena bir şekilde azar işitmişti müdüründen. Görünürde mühim bir hatası da yoktu ama sanki dünyanın bütün suçları onun üzerine yıkılmıştı; öylesine kınanmış, öylesine ayıplanmış, öylesine suçlanmıştı. Dairedeki çalışma hayatı boyunca yaptığı bütün yanlışlar önüne konmuş, her birinden ötürü yeniden yeniden yargılanmıştı. “Yahu” diyordu kendi kendine, “Ne oldu da bu kadar üstüme üstüme geldi bu adam, ne yaptım ben; odanın önündeki bir süpürge çöpünü süpürtmedim diye insan bu kadar ağır bir şekilde azarlanır mı? Müdür herhalde başkalarına kızmış, ya da genel müdürden iyi bir fırça yemiş, veya boşanmak üzere olduğu eşiyle telefonda görüşmüştü. İyi ama bütün bunlar onun dışında değil miydi; ne alakası vardı, bunların kendisiyle; neden böyle kendisine patlıyordu ikide birde.
İyi de neden sesini çıkarmıyordu, o zaman. Neden hemen boyun eğiyordu müdürün azarlamalarına. Güçsüz bir adam mıydı? Hayır. Şahsiyetsiz miydi? Değil. Onursuz biri miydi? Asla. Ama ne olursa oluyor, müdür kızıp söylenmeye başlayınca Amr susup kalıyor, bir cevap vermiyor, bir laf bile söylemiyordu. Gerçi bazen için için çok kızıyor, öfkeleniyor, hatta dövmek istiyor ama hiçbir şey diyemeden odasından çıkıyordu. Sonra da kendine zulmediyor, neden şöyle söylemedin diye kendine kızıyordu ama yine de yeni bir azarlama karşısında eski tutumu değişmiyordu. Galiba onu bir şey tutuyor, bırakmıyordu.
Eskiden böyle değildi Amr. Ona bir şey söylemek pek mümkün değildi; hemen karşılığını verir, ya da tutumunu sertleştirir, yüzünü asar, veya birkaç gün küser; kendine bir şey yapanın burnundan getirirdi. “Ne oldu da bu kadar değiştim ben” diyordu ki adamın biri ona bir omuz attı ve hızla geçti yanından; arkasından baktı adamın ama bir şey de söyleyemedi. Acımıştı omzu hatta, o derece hızla çarpmıştı herif ona. Bu da ayrı bir sıkıntı oluşturdu Amr’a. “Yahu hep bizi mi buluyor bu kaba adamlar” diye söylendi, “bizim böyle olduğumuzu yani yumuşamış bir adam olduğumuzu ta karşıdan mı biliyor bu adamlar.”
Geçende bir camiye gitmiş, bir kenara oturmuş, öylesine düşünüyordu ki hacı amcanın biri “Niye boş oturuyorsun, bir tespih al eline de tespih çek” diye azarlamıştı kendisini. Halbuki o hacı amca biraz önce bir arkadaşıyla o kadar çok malayani konuşmuştu ki… “Malayani konuşmak iş de, düşünmek iş değil mi, be hacı amca” demişti içinden ama gülümsemekten başka karşılık verememişti ona. İyi de bunu da kendine dert yapmaktan geri kalmamıştı. Müdürün fırçası, adamın attığı omuz, hacı amcanın azarı birleşmiş, ağır bit yük olmuştu Amr’a. İçi kaynıyordu fokur fokur. İçinin sesini desibele dönüştürseler bir uçağın kalkarken çıkardığı sesten fazlası ölçülürdü herhalde.
“Yahu yine gaflete düştük, nefsin pençesine düştük, şeytanın iğvasına uğradık; yine unuttuk fail-i hakiki olan Rabbimiz hazretlerini. Afvet ya Rabbi, senin iznin olmadan bir sinek bile kanadını kaldırabilir mi? Kim bilir hangi günahımızdan ötürü geldi bütün bunlar başıma ki devede kulak bile değil bu sıkıntılar; biz büyütüyoruz, pireyi deve yapıyoruz. Dünya fani değil mi, gün gelecek hiçbirini hatırlamayacaksın bile; hatırlasan da “amma da büyütmüşüz ufacık meseleleri” diyeceksin ve kendine bir kez daha güleceksin. Hadi toparla kendini, eve geliyorsun, içini düzelt, yüzünü düzelt de evdekiler bir şey sezmesinler; kimseyi kendi derdinden ötürü üzmek zorunda değilsin.”
Amr, apartmanın kapısını ağır ağır açtı, asansöre bindi, evin kapısını da anahtarıyla ağır ağır açtı; “Selamun aleykum” dedi, içeri girdi.
***
“Ben niye bu kadar abus bir adam oldum, neden” dedi Zeyd kendi kendine. Eve gelmiş, gelmeden önce de bir lokantada karnını doyurmuş; pijamalarını giymiş, televizyonun başına oturmuş, bir iki zaplamış, keyfine göre program bulamamış, sinirlenip televizyonu kapatmış, balkona çıkmıştı. “Boşu boşuna kızdım evliya gibi adama, yine âhını aldım galiba. Kızdım da ne oldu, daha da kötü oldu, zaten canım sıkkındı, bir de hiç yoktan onu payladığımın üzüntüsü bindi üzerime. İkide birde niye kızıyorum bu adama ben. Ya dönüp karşılık verirse, ya da iyice kızıp bir yumruk atarsa burnumun üzerine; olur mu olur, olabilir. Herkesin içinde rezil olurum, vallahi. Ama adam da tek kelime etmiyor, be kardeşim. Onun için mi bu kadar zalim, bu kadar kaprisli oluyorum yoksa. Yahu insan bu kadar da yumuşak olmaz ki. Adam dediğin kendini korumalı, laf söyletmemeli kendisine, karşı çıkmalı kendini eleştirene, hatta gerekirse kavga bile etmeli, dayak yiyeceğini bilse bile. Bizimkisi eleştiri boyutunu da aşıyor; fırça, azarlama, paylama hatta aşağılama… Hepsini yapıyoruz da tek kelime çıkmıyor adamın ağzından. Hâlbuki eskiden böyle değildi, pek laf söyletmezdi kendine. Hemen karşı çıkar, kendini savunur, en zor durumda bile kendini kurtaracak bir söz bulurdu da… Aman, bırak bunları kardeşim, sen kendine haline bir bak. Amr’la uğraşacağına kendi halini bir düşün.”
Bugün yine aramıştı karısı, yani boşanmak üzere olduğu karısı. Yine ileri geri konuşmuş, cen cen cenlemiş, asabını bozmuştu. “Yaradan, senin canını konuşurken alsın. Yanındaki herkes, çocukların bile, senin konuşmandan bıksın, senden istikrah etsin de öyle geberesin, inşallah” diye beddua etti içinden. Hoş, bu ilenmeyi onun yüzüne karşı da yapmıştı ama kadının bir kulağından girip diğerinden çıkmamış, kulağına bile varmamıştır hatta; motor gibi konuşmaktan kimseyi duymazdı ki o.
Asıl çocuklara hayret ediyordu Zeyd. Hepsi analarından yana olmuş, kendisinden fersah fersah uzaklaşmışlardı. Hele büyük kızı, onun tepkisi hepsinden fazla olmuştu. Hâlbuki onu bir başka severdi, kızı da onu bir zamanlar ne kadar severdi. Baba kız değillerdi de sanki sevgiliydiler; birbirlerini görmedikleri günü yaşamamış sayarlardı. İki oğlunu da severdi elbette, onlarla da arası çok iyiydi ama kızını bir başka severdi, şimdiyse baş düşmanı kesilmişti. Boşanma sürecinde hepsini bir bir kaybetmişti; daha doğrusu hepsini birden ve toptan yitirmişti. Şimdi babalarını görmek bile istemiyorlardı. Geçen bayram verdiği harçlığı almak bile istememişlerdi de annelerinin “O sizin babanız” referansıyla gönülsüzce kabullenmişlerdi, hatırı sayılır derecedeki harçlıkları.
“Seviyorduk ama pek ilgilenmiyorduk ki be kardeşim. Daireden çıkıp muhasebeci arkadaşa uğrayıp onun işlerini gördükten sonra eve geliyor, yemek yiyip hemen uyuyorduk. Para kazanacağız derken ihmal ettik güzelim yavrucağızları. Hadi o zamanlar borçlar, taksitler vardı; bitince ne oldu, yine aynı tempoya devam. Bahane hazır: Çocuklar için çalışıyoruz. Hiç görmediğin çocuklar için çalış babam çalış. Şef olduk, müdür olduk; maaşımız arttı ama hırsımız da arttı be kardeşim. Sonuç ne: Babalarını tanımayan çocuklar, kocasından uzaklaşmış bir eş. Üstüne üstlük bir de sinirlilik. Sürekli kızgınsın, her zaman hiddetlisin, her an şiddetlisin. Kim dayanır buna? İşte kaybettin, onlar için çalıştığını söylediğin herkesi. Sonuç ne? Koca bir hiç…”
Bunca olumsuz düşüncelerin bir anda hücum edivermesini Amr’a yaptığı terbiyesizce davranışından kaynaklandığını düşündü, Zeyd. “Bari yarın özür dilesem” diye düşündü. Ama nafile. Özür dileyemeyeceğini biliyordu. Her zaman böyle olurdu. Herhangi bir şeyden ötürü herkese kızar, bağırır, çağırır, sonra pişman olurdu. Ama o kadar. Özür dileyemez, zamana bırakır, sonra da işlerin düzeldiğini zannederdi. Ama herkes ona bir mesafe koyardı. Samimi olduğu pek kimse yoktu, çünkü ne zaman ne yapacağı belli olmazdı. Ailede bu da olmuyordu; bir yere, bir zamana, bir seviyeye kadar sabrediyorlardı aile fertleri. Ama nereye kadar: Canlarının tak ettiği yere kadar. Ondan sonrası tufan…
***
Selam verdikten sonra yavaşça eve giren kocasını karşıladı, Hind. “Hoş geldin, bey” dedi, elindeki poşetleri aldı. Mutfağa gitti, yemeklerin altını yaktı, sofrayı hazırlamaya koyuldu. “Eskiden böyle değildi, bu adam” dedi kendi kendine. Evet, şimdi daha iyi eskisine göre, ama şimdi de iyice sessiz oldu. Kızar, bağırır, çağırır ama gönül almasını da bilir, esprileriyle eve neşe katar, herkese bir laf atar, takılırdı. Şimdi kızma da yok, neşe de. Şu kadar seneden beri tanımasam, birine âşık diyeceğim ama öyle bir insan değil. Eve gelir, yemeğini yer, biraz televizyon seyreder, sonra kitaplarına dalar, namaza gider, erkenden yatar; ara sıra laflar, dertleşir; çocuklarla ilgilenir ama o kadar. Özel ve derin bir ilgi göstermez. Resmi bir daire mi burası? Eskiden şu yemeği yap, şöyle yap diye talimat verir, yiyince de pek bir iltifat ederdi. Şimdi ne yaparsan yap, iştahsız iştahsız azıcık yer, sonra da yarım ağızla “Eline sağlık, hanım der, kalkar sofradan.”
“Hanım, hazırladın mı sofrayı” hitabıyla irkildi, Hind; dalmıştı, dalgınlaşmıştı. “Sen otur, hemen getiriyorum” dedi. “İlla ki hemen hazır olacak sofra. Biraz beleyemez misin be adam. Karşında garson mu var? Bütün erkekler böyle midir? Galiba böyledir; babam da böyleydi, eve gelince sofranın hemen hazır olmasını beklerdi, hazır değilse kıyameti koparırdı. Ona tahammül ederdik tabii, ama insan kocasına daha az tahammüllü oluyor, nedense.”
“Sağ ol, eline sağlık, hanım” dedi Amr karısına, “Çay demlendi mi” diye sordu; “Demlendi” cevabını alınca bir bardak çay istedi ondan. O gün çocuklar yoktu, nerede olduklarını sordu. Sonra bir yutkundu, hanımın yüzüne baktı “Bugün yine müdür bana nedensiz kızdı” dedi. “Sen de ona cevap bile vermemişsindir” deyiverdi. “Evet” cevabını alınca da “Neden böyle yapıyorsun, bak sonra depresyona filan gireceksin, bak çekemem valla, kendine gel artık; noldu sana böyle, sen böyle değildin, ruh gibi bir adam oldun, çocuklar da soruyor noldu babamıza diye; bizimle ilgilenmiyorsun, ancak kifayet miktarı; noluyor sana, toparlan artık, eskiden ne iyiydin, gönlümüzü alırdın, neşelendirirdin, şimdiyse kendi halinde yaşıyorsun; bana bak, biz bir aileyiz, sen de babasın” diye motor gibi sıraladı kelimeleri ardı ardına. “Seninle de bir şey konuşulmuyor, hanım” dedi ve sofradan yavaşça kalktı Amr. Abdestini tazeledi, camiye gitti.
“Eskiden bana bu kadar laf ettirmezdi, hemen kızar, bağırır, çağırır, hiddetlenirdi; ama ne oldu bu adama. Şimdi kuzu gibi dinliyor beni, en fazla “Seninle de bir şey konuşulmuyor, hanım” diyor. Ne yapmalı bilmem ki… Müdürle mi konuşsam, neden böyle yapıyorsun, kocamı neden üzüyorsun diye. Ama olmaz ki, hiç olmaz. Beycağızım darılır. Cevap verecekse o vermeli değil mi? Hem Zeyd de belasını bulmadı mı, karısından işittiği azarlar kaf dağına varmadı mı; konu komşuya, bütün mahalleliye rezil olmadı mı? Yarın birgün boşanacaklar, Zeyd’in bütün malını mülkünü de alacakmış. Alsın, oh olsun; layıktır o abus adama, beter etsin Rabbim, inşallah…”
***
İşte böyle dostlarım, her dövenin bir dövücüsü vardır mutlaka. Her şerliden daha şirreti, her azarlayıcıdan daha katı paylayıcı vardır muhakkak. Amr, azarlandı, üzüldü. Bunu öğrenen karısı Hind de üzüldü. Lakin Zeyd de üzüldü, hem de herkesten çok, belki ileride daha da üzülecek. Etme bulma dünyası, kimsenin yanına hiçbir şey kâr kalmıyor ki.
Amr’ın neden bu kadar yumuşadığını merak ettiniz değil mi? Bir hikâyede merak unsuru da olmalı diyor edebiyat hocaları, ya; biz de onlara uyalım dedik. Dedik ama sorunun cevabını ben de tam olarak bilmiyorum, ama bazı tahminlerim var: Amr, belki de Yunus Emre hazretlerini rüyasında görmüş, “dövene elsiz gerek, sövene dilsiz gerek” mısraını ondan duymuştur. Belki de sufi olmuş, tövbe etmiş, kalbini Hakk’a bağlamış olabilir. Veyahut Hızır aleyhisselam onun elini tutmuş, öfkesini almış, yerin yedi kat dibine savurmuştur. Kim bilir?
Benimkileri söyledim ben, siz de başka tahminlerde bulunabilirsiniz. Lakin bir soru daha var kanaatimce. Böyle sertken yumuşamak, hamken olgunlaşmak, çiğken pişmek için, ilk adımı nasıl atmıştır, Amr? İlk adımdan sonra karşılaştığı ilk imtihanda nasıl muvaffak olmuştur?
Bunu da bir düşünelim, olmaz mı?
Hikâyeye zeyl: Tramvay, Zeytinburnu durağında iken, “Bu Zeytinburnu ismi de nereden gelmiştir” soruma, yekten “Amr’ın ağzı, Zeyd’in burnundan” diye cevap veren kardeşim Hayreddin Meral, bu öyküye ilham vermiş oldu. Benim kardeşim, işte böyle ilham vericidir. Allah ondan razı olsun, tabii sizlerden de…
/// Haydar Murad Hepsev’in bu hikâyesi, Yüce Devlet Dergisi’nde (15 Aralık 2010, 7. sayı) yayınlanmıştır.
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Hmm, something went wrong. The voluminous sleeves on the latest Ankara designs make each style unique. Tailors use dramatic sleeves to make the dress draw attention, which delights most women. As a result, dresses with puffed sleeves are trendy in 2023. Have a look at these straight-long gown styles: You can decide to have a Cinderella-cut ankara long gown or jump in with an edgy design for bold statements. Here are the latest ankara long gown fashion styles for a bolder look at any occasion: If you are confident in your body and want to show it off in its entirety, go for a flay gown infused with chiffon. It is one of the Ankara long flay gown styles that looks classy and stylish. This classy gown has a sleek appeal, and a double one-hand and chiffon net are added to advance the style. Every fashion lover would love to have the latest Ankara long gown in 2022. Women are open to new ideas and are willing to experiment with native designs that have a touch of western culture. Here is a list of Ankara long gowns for women that will set you apart at any event and leave everyone staring at you in admiration.
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Will be used in accordance with our Privacy Policy An error occurred, please try again. Waterproof Anyways, so I think thats all the information that I wanted to add to the video. Make sure that you watch the video till the end because I have included a lot of live swatches, tests as well as comparisons with over 15 different kajals available in India. At the very end, I have tried to give a price comparison per gram wise for a lot of different commonly available kajals in India. 2017 All rights reserved M·A·C SKIN ARTISTRYDiscover the art of reaching your skin goals. Chanel Caractere & Tendresse Eye & Blush Quad Swatches MAC Cosmetics need no introduction, do they? They are a household name and have consistently proven themselves to be the leading powerhouse in all things makeup. There’s much to be said about their brilliant line of eyeliners, and perhaps, that’s a discussion for another day. Do let us know why you enjoy using MAC eyeliners, and if you are looking to switch, we hope you’ve found one that’s tailor-made for you in this list of the 11 best MAC eyeliners of 2023.
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