LABİRENT ve BULUŞMA
Bir labirentte üç kişiydiler. Yorulmuşlar, üzülmüşler, sıkılmışlar, terlemişler, çıkış yolunu bulamamışlar ve oturmuşlardı. Başlarını ellerine almış, sırtlarını çalılıklara dayamış, düşünüyorlardı. Gece başlamış, ortalık tamamen kararmıştı. “Nasıl kurtulacağız buradan” sorusunun kara etkisiyle bunalıyorlardı. Gönülleri kavrulmuştu; simsiyah bir duman bürümüştü beyinlerini…
Nasıl, nasıl, nasıl? Nasıl kurtulacaklardı buradan? Sabahtan bu yana o kadar çok gezmişler, dolaşmışlar, o kadar çok kafa yormuşlardı ki, artık bu sualin cevabını bulabilecek zihin vuzuhundan iyice uzaklaşmışlardı. Her yeri didik didik etmişler, köşe başlarını adeta ezberlemişler, dönüp dolaşıp defalarca aynı yerlere gelmişler, bazı noktaları işaretlemeyi denemişler; lakin velhasıl bir türlü çıkış yerine veya başladıkları mevkie gelememişler, varamamışlardı. Telaş ve yorgunluğun kesretinden artık oturmuşlar, daha doğrusu çökmüşler; bir şey yapamayacaklarının derin itirafı içinde umutsuzluğa gömülmüşlerdi.
Hata yaptıkları yer neresiydi? Nerede yanılmışlardı? Labirente girmeyi istemekle mi, yani en başta mı yanlışa düşmüşlerdi? Yoksa bu işin üstesinden gelebilecek kadar zekâ ve yeteneğe mi malik değildiler? Ya da birbirlerinden ayrılmakla mı düşmüştüler, bu içinden çıkılmaz duruma? Hiçbirine cevap veremeyecek bir vaziyette her şeyi kabul ediyorlar veya toptan reddediyorlar; kendilerini yiyip bitiriyorlardı.
Oysa sabahleyin ne kadar şen ve zindeydiler, her şeyi başarıp üstesinden gelecek bir güç ve enerjiye sahip görünüyorlardı. Zihinleri açıktı ve zekâları istim üzerindeydi, kendilerine göre. Veya öyle sanıyorlardı. Labirenti onlara tanıtan rehberle şakalaşıyorlar, onun dikkati ihtar eden sözlerine pek aldırmıyorlardı. Bazı püf noktaları öğretmek istemesine adeta kızıyorlar, kendi zekâlarına bir nevi hakaret sayıyorlardı.
Rehberin “Buradan kendi kendine kurtulan, şimdiye kadar, sadece bir kişi olmuştur. Onun da bu işin üstesinden gelmesi tam üç gününü almıştır; üstelik bu başarıyı bir tesadüf sonucunda elde ettiğini, kendi aklıyla başarmadığını itiraf etti” demesine, “Dostum, sen merak etme, biz rekor kırmasını da, rekorları alt üst etmesini de çok iyi biliriz” diye karşılık vermişlerdi… Böylelikle pek bilgileri olmadan girivermişlerdi labirente.
Bu işi niye yaptıklarını da doğru dürüst bilmiyorlardı. Bu memlekette. yabancıydılar, ilmi bir toplantı için geldikleri bu yerde adeta zorla labirente itilmişlerdi.. “Buranın en meşhur özelliği nedir” diye sorduklarında, herkesten “labirent” cevabını almışlardı. Hâlbuki kendileri bu labirenti pek duymamışlardı. Bir labirent olduğunu işitmişlerdi, belki, lakin öyle en meşhur bir özellik diye tanımıyorlardı. Kaldıkları oteldeki esrarengiz adam bilhassa tavsiye etmiş, “Mutlaka denemelisiniz, hayatınızda bir daha ele geçmeyecek bir fırsattır, kaçırmamalısınız” diye telkin etmişti. Bu adamla her karşılaştıklarında “labirente gitmediniz mi, hâlâ?” sorusuna muhatap olmuşlar; adam bu soruyu sormasa bile her karşılaştıklarında anlamlı anlamlı bakmayı ihmal etmemişti. Bu memlekete, diğer bir gaye için değil de sadece labirente girmek için gelmişler gibi başka bir şeyi düşünemez olmuşlar, ilmi toplantıya iki gün katıldıktan sonra, akşamleyin verdikleri karar üzerine geldiklerinin üçüncü günü sabahı erkenden labirente yollanmışlardı.
Önceleri hep beraber dolaştılar, adeta bir kır gezisine gider gibiydiler. Sürekli yürüyorlar, havanın da güzel olmasından faydalanarak gelişigüzel adımlıyorlardı. Hem bir labirentten rahatça ve pek de zorlanmadan çıkılabileceğini ispat edeceklerdi, hem de bu vesileyle geziyorlar, eğleniyorlardı. Güneşleniyorlar, temiz hava alıyorlar, dolaşıyorlardı.
İlk endişe ikindiye doğru başlamıştı. Sarf ettikleri enerjiye göre henüz hiçbir şey yapmamış oldukları halde, yavaş yavaş baş gösteren yorgunluğun tesiriyle içlerinden “Artık, şu çıkış noktasına varsak” diyorlardı. Yine de, sonuca giden yolun başlangıcı varsayarak her köşe başına büyük bir istekle varıp yürümeye devam ediyorlardı. İlk önceleri, “Şu tarafa gidelim, bu tarafa dönelim, şu yöne sapalım” laflarıyla kısaca müzakere edip çıkış yolunu biraz üstünkörü arıyorlardı. Sonraları, daha uzun stratejiler geliştirip sonuçsuz kalınca, yeni ve kombine teoriler yapmaya başlamışlardı. Bu konuda üçü de adeta birbirine denkti. Sanki içlerinde diğerlerine baskın ve derleyip toparlayıcı birisi yokmuş ve tamamen eşit şart ve imkânlarda bir araya gelmiş ve lidersiz yaşayabilecekmiş gibi davranıyorlardı. Herkes diğerinin fikrini kolayca kabul ediyor, fikri kabul edilenin teorisi fos çıkınca başkası görüş ileri sürmüyor, arkadaşından gelen diğer bir düşünceyi hemen kabulleniveriyordu. Adeta sırayla fikirler ileri sürüyorlardı. Tabii ki sırayla yanılıyorlardı. Bu yanılmalardan dolayı birbirlerini suçlamıyorlar, aksine birbirlerini tenkit bile etmiyorlardı.
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İkindi vakti, içlerinden birinin teklifiyle biraz dinlendiler ve durumu yeniden gözden geçirdiler. Yönleri, labirente girdikleri tarafı, nereye ve nasıl gideceklerini yeniden tartıştılar. Geliştirdikleri düşünce üzerine artık çıkışa varacaklarından şüphe duymuyorlar, “Tamam, artık bitiriyoruz bu işi” diyorlardı. Bu sefer kendilerinden tamamen emindiler. Yeni faraziyelerinin tatbikine hemen koyuldular. Bir süre sonra, bu da geçersiz çıkınca o ilk endişe sabitleşmeye başladı. Artık birbirlerinin düşüncelerini beğenmez olmuşlardı. Yeni bir yol ve strateji tespiti, artık, imkânsız olmuştu. Bu durum, sürekli tartışma sonucunu doğurdu. Hem gayesizce yürüyorlar, hem de bağıra çağıra münakaşa ediyorlardı. Bir süre sonra birbirlerini suçlayıp bütün yanlışları yekdiğerlerine yükleme kısır döngüsüne girdiler. Hiç biri kendinde hata varsaymıyor, sürekli diğer iki kişiyi bütün yanlışlıkların asıl sebebi olarak görüyordu. Labirente girme fikrinde bile, sanki ortak değillermiş gibi, sonuçsuz suçlamalara başlayıp “Sizin yüzünüzden düştüm buraya, hiç niyetim yoktu oysa” diyorlardı.
Akşam olmuştu ki ayrıldılar. Sonuçsuz tartışmaları onları birbirinden ayırdı. Yalnız Cemil adındaki arkadaşları ayrılmalarını kabul etmek istemedi. “Ne olursa olsun ayrılmamalıyız” diyordu. Cemil Bey, tartışmalarının ve birbirlerini suçlamanın yanlışlığını, kopma fikri ortaya çıkmazdan biraz önce anlamıştı. Fakat öyle bir noktaya gelmişlerdi ki ayrılmamaları hakkında pek ısrar edemedi. Diğer ikisi, Fikri Bey ile Nuri Bey, buna zaten gönüllüydüler. “Ne yaparsan yap, biz gidiyoruz, bizi takip etme” deyiverip yüksek çalılıklardan oluşturulmuş labirentin yüzlerce köşesinden birini dönüp kayboluverdiler.
Cemil tek başına kalakaldı. Durumun ağırlığını o zaman iyice anladı. Başını ellerine almış, sırtını çalılıklara dayamış, düşünüyordu. İkisinin de uzun bir süre beraber olamayacaklarını en kısa zamanda ayrılacaklarını; her üçünün de bu karmakarışık labirentte ayrı ayrı yerlerde, sonuçsuz çabaların içinde boşuna vakit kaybedeceklerini iyice biliyordu. Arkalarından gitmesi de şu an için hiç doğru olmazdı. Gönlü kırılmıştı, ama ayrı olmalarının da hiç bir netice getirmeyeceği bilinci içinde, tekrar beraber olmanın zorunluluğunu idrak ediyordu. Lakin şu anda yapacak hiç bir şey yoktu. Biraz yürümeyi denediyse de faydasız olduğunu anlayarak oturdu ve düşünmeye başladı. Bir süre sonra, yüksekçe bir sesle “Anca beraber kanca beraber” dedi. Sanki kendisi tek başına kurtulsa ne olacaktı. Onları bırakıp gidemezdi ki.. Kurtulsa, tek başına labirentten çıksa ne elde etmiş olacaktı ki. “Hayır, hep beraber kurtulacağız buradan, yalnız şimdi onlara kabul ettiremem bunu, kendilerinin de idrak etmesi lazım; artık yarına kalıyor, dinlenmem gerek şimdi, yarın arayıp bulmalıyım onları” diyerek sırt üstü yattı ve yıldızları seyretmeye koyuldu.
Parlak bir geceydi ve ay yoktu. Bulutsuz gökte yıldızlar açık seçik görünüyordu. Göğe baktıkça yıldızların adeta arttığını bilirdi. Lakin bu gece yıldızların gökten yağıyormuşçasına çoğaldığını ve sanki dünyaya da adım adım yaklaşıverdiklerini hissetti. Gök yıldız kesilmişti. O küçük noktalar göğü kaplamışlardı. Tek tek ve küme halindeki parlakçıklar, bir senfoninin notaları gibi dünyaya düşüyorlardı sanki. “Ferdiyetin gecesi bu, yıldızların göğü, noktaların hâkimiyeti” dedi. “Gökte ayın olmayışı, yıldızların kendini iyice göstermesine sebep oluyor” diye düşündü. “Ay olsa yine görünürler, varlıklarını gösterirler; lakin gökte ay var dersin, hilal dersin, dolunay dersin, hale dersin, yıldızlar ne kadar çok dersin. Yok olmaz elbette, yıldızlar. Ay var olunca, belki daha az yıldız görünür; hayır yine hepsi görünür, gölgelenmezler; fakat ayla beraber daha manalıdırlar bu nur damlacıkları. Bak, şimdi bile Samanyolu diğer tek olanlara göre daha değerli, bir gerdanlığa dizilmiş binlerce pırlanta gibi. Bir merkez etrafında toplanmış olmaları o yıldızlara daha çok şey kazandırıyor. Herkes Samanyolu’nu diğer yıldızlardan daha çok tanıyor. Kutup yıldızı da vardır, ama vazifesi yön göstermektir. Onun tek başına oluşu göreviyle ilgilidir. Onun yalnız olmasına izin vardır. Ama aslında yalnız değildir kutup yıldızı. Gökteki bütün yıldızlar ve ayla beraber, o yıldızların kutbu olmuştur.”
Cemil Bey, yıldızların insanlara tekabül ettiğini, yeryüzündeki insanların gökteki remizleri olduğunu düşündü ve her bir insanın doğumunda gökte yeni bir yıldız yaratıldığı hakkındaki halk inanışını hatırladı. “Gökte ay hep vardır, yalnız ay bir kez görünmez gökte, o günlerde lakin sema şirazesini kaybetmiş bir kitap gibi olur. Onun için gökte ay ve yerde de ay misali insanlar bulunmalı” dedi. Uykusu gelmişti, yanının üzerine yattı, ceketinin yakalarını kaldırdı, kolunu başının üzerine koydu ve derin bir uykuya daldı.
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Cemil’in tahmini gibi, Fikri ile Nuri daha ilk köşe başında ihtilafa düştüler, tartıştılar, bağırıp çağırdılar, birbirlerini suçlayıp ayrıldılar. Bir süre hızlı hızlı, daha sonra yavaş yavaş ve gayesizce yürüdüler. İyice yorulmuş olmalarına rağmen bir türlü oturup dinlenmeyi düşünemiyorlardı. Artık iyice takatleri kesilince oturabildiler ve düşünmeye başladılar.
Fikri Bey, aslında yürümeye ve yorulmaya dayanıklı bir kimse değildi. Yolların kestirmesini ve işlerin basitini arar, lakin çok düşünürdü. Kestirmecilik ve basitçiliğini de çok düşünmesine bağlardı, kendince düşünür olması diğer huylarını kendine beğendirirdi. Dıştan gelen tepki ve tenkitlere pek aldırmaz, çabuk espri bulabilen mizacıyla kesin ve etkileyici cevaplar vermekte gecikmezdi. “Çok büyük yanlışlık yaptık” dedi, kendi kendine. Başını ellerine almış, sırtını çalılıklara dayamış, düşünüyordu. Ayakkabılarını ve çoraplarını çıkarmış ayaklarını ovuşturmaya başlamıştı. Gerinerek, mafsallarını oynatarak, elleriyle adalelerine bastırarak masaj yapıyor, bir yandan da fısıltıyla söyleniyordu: “Hata yaptık, hem de büyük. Bu kadar yakın arkadaş ve hatta dostken bugünkü yaptıklarımız doğrusu olacak şeyler değildi. Söylenmemesi gereken laflar sarf ettik. Hâlbuki bize çok şeyler kazandıracak bir hareketti, iyi bir tecrübe olacaktı. Ben öyle pek kendimi yormayı sevmem. Ancak bir fayda kazanmayı ve tecrübe edinmeyi gözetirsem veya bulursam böyle bir harekete girişirim. Gerçi bu labirente girme macerası biraz itilme ile, esrarengiz bir şevkin itişiyle oldu. Biraz da arkadaşlar çok gönüllüydüler. Gerçi onların gönüllü olması beni çok ilgilendirmez veya harekete geçirmeye yetmez. Bu esrarengiz taraf, zannediyorum, itti beni buraya. Şu andaki durum pek sonuç sayılmaz ama bu maceranın şu ana kadarki seyri pek iç açıcı değil. Hatta berbat. Moral bozucu, ümit kırıcı ve üzücü. Arkadaşlardan ayrıldık ve karşılıklı olarak kalplerimizi kırdık. Şimdi durum kötü. Labirentten üç kişi çıkmayı becerememişken şimdi tek başınayız ve bu durumdan kurtulmak da çok zor görünüyor.”
“Neden ve nasıl oldu bu iş? Nasıl ve niçin ayrıldık? Hangi yolla kurtulacağız buradan? Yeniden bir araya nasıl gelebileceğiz? Evet, yeniden bir araya gelmemiz lazım. Mutlaka yeniden birleşmeliyiz. Söylenen onca sözlere, kalp kırıklığı ve moral bozukluğuna rağmen bir araya gelmemiz şart. Bir defa tek başına buradan kurtulamam. Sonra acı, kırıcı ve üzücü lafların söylenmesine rağmen onlarla aramda bir eski hukuk ve geçmiş var. Hadi buradan tek başına da kurtuldum diyelim, lakin sonra mecburen karşılaşacağız. İşlerimiz aynı, mekânlarımız yakın; bir yerde değilse bile bir başka yerde mutlaka karşılaşırız. O zaman bugünkü halimizi birbirimize artık açıklayamayacağımızdan küslüğümüz kemikleşir ve birbirimizden mahrum oluruz. Onun için burada, bu labirentte yeniden birleşmeli ve buluşmalıyız.”
“Fakat Cemil’in yaptığına ne demeli. Bugün çok farklı davrandı, her zamanki halinden. Bugün değişik bir Cemil gördüm. Her zaman akıllı, tedbirli, ölçülü ve kendine hâkim olan adam bugün kendini bırakmış gibiydi. Derbeder, iddiasız ve haddinden fazla alçakgönüllü bir Cemil Bey. Şaşılacak şey doğrusu. Her zaman etrafındakileri derleyen toparlayan ve sevk edebilen o adam gitmiş, yerine sanki idare edilmeyi bekleyen birisi gelmiş. Olacak şey değil yani. Yabancı bir memleket ve ortamda bulunmanın bir etkisi desem, hemen hayır cevabını veririm. Benim bildiğim Cemil, eğer bir yere veya ortama girmeyi düşünmüş veya kabul etmişse mutlaka sonuçlarına katlanabilecek bir ruh gücü takınmış olarak, insanların ve ortamların karşısına çıkar. Hayır, farklı bir vaziyet alma söz konusu olmuş olabilir. Bizi belki de denedi. Ne yapacağımızı, nasıl davranacağımızı öğrenmek istedi. Gerçi insanları imtihana çekme âdeti yoktur; insanlar onun karşısında zaten kendilerini ele verirler veya en küçük davranışlarından bile Cemil çok şey anlar; ama bugünkü tavrında böyle bir deneme söz konusu olmalı, şuuraltından gelen bir sevkle.”
“Bir de, diyelim ki adam kendini bir an, bir zaman için bıraktı. Bizler ne yaptık ya, sanki çok geçerli ve doğru fikirler ileri sürüyormuşuz gibi havalara girerek manasız ve aslında gayeye ulaştırmaz düşüncelerle adamın doğru strateji tespit edebilmesine engel olduk. Bir kişiye yardımcı olup kendimizi de kurtaracakken hepimizi dara ve sıkıntıya soktuk. Eğer bir merkez fikri gözetmiş olsaydık işte o zaman, bizim fikirlerimiz de bir değer bulurdu. Şu andaki korkunç yorgunluğa düşmez, bu kadar üzülmezdik. Şimdi doğruyu buldun işte; neyse ki doğru sonuca ulaştın. Fakat şu anda herhalde yapacak bir şey yok. Yarın sabaha kalıyor, onları daha doğrusu önce Cemil’i, sonra da beraberce Nuri’yi bulup hu labirentten çıkmayı başarmanın yollarını beraberce araştırmalıyız. Şimdi dinlenmeli ve yarına güç ve enerji toplamalıyım.” Sırtının üstüne yatarak yıldızları seyretmeye koyuldu, Fikri Bey. Bir süre sonra uyumuştu.
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Diğer yanda Nuri Bey de oturduğu yerde eline bir küçük çomak almış toprağı karıştırıyordu. Daha doğrusu, hıncını topraktan almaya çalışıyordu. Kısa bir zamanda önünde bir çukur açılmıştı. Herhangi bir taş parçası işine biraz engel olsa büyük bir kızgınlıkla etrafını oyuyor ve onu yerinden oynatıp çıkarıncaya kadar uğraşıyor, sonunda da çıkan çakıl parçasını büyük bir hınçla uzağa fırlatıyordu. Sanki akşama kadar yorulan, ayaklarına kara su inen o değilmiş de herhangi bir işe yeni başlamış bir insan gibi çalışıyordu. İlk önceleri herkese ve her şeye kızdı, öfkelendi, lanetler ve hatta küfürler yağdırdı. Bir süre sonra biraz sakinleşince durumu anlamaya çalışan bir halet-i ruhiyenin içine girmeye başladı. Başını ellerine almış, sırtını çalılıklara dayamış, düşünüyordu.
Nuri Bey sinirli, heyecanlı ve hareketli görünen fakat iradesinin kuvvetliliğiyle sivri özelliklerini törpülemeyi becermiş bir insan olarak bilinirdi. Fakat yine de ‘can çıkmayınca huy çıkmaz’ anlamınca zaman zaman sinirliliği baskın olur, bu huyuna yenilirdi. Uzun yıllar içinde kendine hâkim olabilmeyi başarmıştı, fevkalade hal ve durumlarda iradesini kullanarak kendisini güçbelâ bastırır, sinirlerinin dizginlerini koparmamaya çalışırdı. Bu sefer de, bir kez daha bu huyuna yenilmiş olarak görüyor, kendini suçluyor ve didikliyordu. Şimdiki kızgınlığının sebebi ve şiddeti, huyundan veya böyle bir huya sahip olmasından dolayı değildi; kendine yenilmekten ötürü tekrar yaşanan ve nefret ettiği pişmanlığa yeniden düşmekten kaynaklanıyordu. Hâlbuki bir başka güçle bu zaafını dengeleyip hatta kişiliğine olumlu bir özellik olarak katmayı becerebilmiş bir insandı. Uzun zaman içinde güçbelâ kazandığı terkibi kaybeden insanların azabını yaşıyordu.
“Düştü kaya dağdan yine, düşürdük zirveye çıkarmışken. Haydi, sırtlan bakalım yine, bir ömür dağa çıkarıp düşürmeye ve inip tekrar çıkarmaya mahkûm olduğun kayayı. Bu taşı koyacak, yerleştirecek bir yer bulamadın henüz. Dağda da öyle bir yer yok, hiç bir yer. Hayır, sende yok, takatin yok; gücün, kuvvetin, tahammülün yok. Son hareketi, son ve tamamlayıcı dokunuşu, o hatta küçük kıpırdanış ve ince titreyişi yapacak irade yok sende. Sen bir çakılı bile şuradan şuraya götürecek insan olamıyorsun.”
“İşte yine, sen ve sevgili kayan bu en aşağı mevkide yan yanasınız. Bir defa daha yüklenip dağa çıkaracaksın ve düşüreceksin yine tepelerden aşağıya. Döneceksin yine başladığın yere. Denemekten usanmadığın, bıkmayacağın işe yeniden girişeceksin. Sonucunu bile bile. Bir trajedi bu, neticesi belli oyunu yeniden oynayacaksın. Lakin, haydi gel de vazgeç. Hayat bitmedi ki vazgeçelim. Kaderin, o muazzam yumağın içindeyiz ve çıkmayacağız, iplik bitinceye kadar elbette çekmeye devam edeceğiz. O kaya benim, binlerce kez düşsem de, yine dağa, zirveye çıkarmaya gayret edecek ve bir yere yerleştirmeye çalışacağım. Lakin bir yardım ümid ediyorum ve o yardım gelmeden bu işin üstesinden gelmenin de mümkün olmayacağını biliyorum.”
“Neden kızdım ben; hangi sebeple bu kadar öfkelendim; sinirliliğimi irademe galip kılan nedir? Her şey o kadar sakin ve neşeli başlamıştı ki bu sonuç beklenmezdi. O halde dönüm noktası nerede? Neden kırdım dostluk kadehini? Niçin döktüm kardeşlik şarabını? Niçin, niçin, niçin?”
“Labirente girerken gerçi neşeliydim, zinde hissediyordum kendimi. Lakin yine de bir yorgunluk vardı üzerimde. Bu yabancı memlekete geldiğimden beri kendimi bir türlü toparlayamadım. Bir türlü atamadım üzerimden hava ve yer değişimi sendromunu. Toplantı da, üstelik, ayrıca bir yorulma vesilesi. Bir sürü konuşma dinle, anlamaya gayret et. Kendi tebliğini sunmanın verdiği heyecan da cabası. Bütün bunlar affettirmez beni gerçi, ama bir payı da yok değil, düştüğüm durumda. Biraz daha itidalli, orta yollu olmalı insan; hele yabancı bir memlekette, kendini çok yormamalı. İki gecedir, üstelik, çok az uyuyabildim. Diğer arkadaşları bilmem, lakin ben bir iki saat ancak kestirebildim. O da ancak yorgunluğun birazını giderecek kadar. Öyle rahatça uyuyabilen, başını yastığa koyunca gözleri kapanıp dalıveren insanlara, doğrusu, hep imrenmişimdir. Kendi evimde bile, uyumak benim için hep müşkül olmuştur. Bu kadar sıkıntıya, üzüntüye ve yorgunluğa rağmen, şimdiki halde, gel de uyu. Bir defa toprağın üstünde yatacaksın. Gerçi hasta olma korkusu yok. Bu güzel yaz gecesinde, hatta, özenilebilecek bir şey. Bir başka insan olsa yıldızlara baka baka rahatça ve zevkle uyur. Hatta rüyalar göre göre. Sonra, bu kadar tenha ve sakin oluşuna, kimseyi görmememe rağmen birisi gelir de bir şey yapar mı ürküntüsü var. Sinekler de cabası. Uyumamaya çok neden var, lakin uyumaya ancak bir sebep bulunuyor. Yarın, mühim şeyler bekliyor beni. Arkadaşlarla buluşup hatamı tamir etmeliyim. Sonra beraberce bu labirent probleminden kurtulmanın çarelerini araştırmalıyız. Onun için zinde olmalı, kuvvetimi toplamış bulunmalıyım. Ne olursa olsun, uyumanın bir yolunu bulmalıyım.”
Kendine bir yer aramaya başladı, Nuri Bey. Bir miktar etrafta dolaştıktan sonra kendince uygun bir yer seçti. Önce sağına yattı, olmadı; soluna yattı, olmadı; sırt üstü yattı, yine olmadı. Sonunda yine sağ yanının üzerine yatıp ayaklarını kıvırdı, kolunu başının altına yerleştirip bir zaman daha düşündükten sonra uyudu.
…
Cemil Bey, sabahın ilk aydınlığıyla beraber uyandı. Günün başlangıcındaki o hafif esinti ve soğukluk biraz üşüttü onu. Titredi ve kol¬larını bacaklarını oynatmaya başladı. Su bulamayacağından teyemmümle abdest alıp namazını kıldıktan sonra “Bu halden hayırlısıyla kurtulabilmeleri için” dua etti. “Hatanın başı bende” dedi kendi kendine, “Mademki labirente girmeyi istedin ve kabul ettin. Bu duruma göre bir ruh hali almalıydın. Arkadaşların pek suçu yok doğrusu. Kendini bırakmıştın. Kır gezmesine gider gibiydin. Gerçi o gezme bile ciddi bir iştir, lakin labirent elbette çok daha ciddi ve önemli bir tecrübe. Hatanı anladığın vakit iş işten geçmişti. Bir nevi geri dönülmez bir yerdeydin artık. Sıkılığını, pekliğini ve tutarlılığını ta en başta elde, dizginde tutmalıydın. Arkadaşlar, tabii ki, bu halimden yararlanıp işi sonuçsuz bırakıcı davranışlar silsilesi içine girdiler. Biraz da ben istedim öyle olmasını. Neticeyi merak ediyordum doğrusu, ya da tavırların neye yönelik olacağını. Yalnız işte bazı şeylerin tecrübe edilmezliğini kesinlikle anladın.”
“Lakin ileriye sürülmüş olan fikirler tamamen yanlış, tutarsız ve haksız düşünceler değildi. Galiba, biz bu işi gereğince ciddiye almamakla, sonuçsuz kalmaya ta en başta mahkûm olmuştuk zannediyorum. Enerjinin hesaplı kullanımı ve sonucu getirecek atılımı dikkatle yapma özelliğini bu sebeple kazanamamış olduk. Elbette, en başta yardım lazım, yardım olunmamız gerek. Şimdi ise iki yardım birden gerekiyor. Birincisi, arkadaşlarla tekrar beraber olmamız için gereken yardım; ikincisi, bu karmakarışık yerden kurtulmamızı sağlayacak olanı. Yavaş yavaş yürümeli ve yüksek sesle onları çağırmalıyım.”
—Fikri Bey!
—Nuri Bey!
Bir süre böyle hem yürüyüp hem bağırıp gezindi, dolaştı durdu. İçinden de “yardım, yardım, bir yardım” diyordu. “Acaba uyanmadılar mı; yoksa birbirimizden çok mu uzağa düştük” diye söyleniyordu. Neredeyse bir saat kadar bir netice alamadan gezindi durdu. Güneş de iyice ortaya çıkmış ve artık ısıtmaya başlamıştı. “Nerede bunlar, yoksa hatamız çok mu büyük, bir daha buluşamayacak mıyız” derken, birden;
—Cemil Bey!
—Cemil Bey diyen Fikri ile Nuri Beylerin seslerini duydu. Sevindi, fakat belli etmek istemedi.
—Nasılsınız arkadaşlar?
—İyiyiz.
—İyiyiz. Sen nasılsın?
—İyiyim, ben de. Şimdi bakın; ben yerimde kalacak ve “Buradayım” diyeceğim ve sizler de sesime doğru gelmeye çalışacaksınız. Buluşma yerimiz burası olacak.
Plan iyiydi, ama buluşmaları aşağı yukarı bir saatlerini aldı. Heyecanla ve birbirlerinden utanarak el sıkıştılar. Sürekli özür diliyorlar, hatanın yalnızca kendilerinde olduğunu söylüyorlardı. Cemil Bey:
—Bırakın bu boş lafları. Size, Hazret-i Mevlana’dan bir hikâye anlatayım. Mübarek ve eseri her şeye misal oluyor. Mevlana anlatıyor ki Bayezid Bistami hazretlerine, kırk senedir beraber seyahat eden iki kişiyi takdim etmişler. Hazret sormuş: “Bu süre içinde hiç kavga ettiniz mi?” “Hayır, kesinlikle” cevabını alınca, “Peki, aranızda hiç ağız münakaşası da mı olmadı” diye sormuş. Yine “hayır” cevabı almış. Bunun üzerine “Siz nifak üzerine arkadaşlık etmişsiniz. Kırk senedir münafıklık üzre bulunmuşsunuz. Dostlukta sevgi de sitem de vardır. Sitem varsa dostluktan bahsedilir. Sitemden, birbirine kırılmadan sonra daha büyük sevgi doğar. Birbirinize kırılır, barışır ve hakiki dost olursunuz. Sizler aslında dost da değilsiniz” demiş Hazret. Onun için bırakın boş lafları da, yolumuza bakalım.
— Doğru söylüyorsun. Yola düşelim.
— Evet, yola koyulalım, hemen.
— Dün gece gökte ay yoktu, yıldızlar vardı. Fark ettiniz mi?
— Evet, gökte ay yoktu.
—A doğru, sahi, evet, gökte ay bulunmuyordu.
*Haydar Murad Hepsev’in bu hikâyesi, Sohbet kitabında (İstanbul, Mart 1994, s.60–70) yayınlanmıştır.
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