ÖLÜM YAKINLIĞI
arasına girdim güneşle ayın tutuldu dünya
girdim ardına dolayına arkasına kainatın
kendimi koydum ortasına bölündü âlem
cam oldum ışık verip ziya aldım gece ve gündüz ayrımında
iki yüzü bir yaptım kalmadı sema ve dünya,
soluğumu tuttum gözlerimi yumdum tıkadım kulaklarımı
arasına girdim kalb ile beynin tutuldu dünya
besmele verdim adım attım onların arsasına.
kayboldu ufuklarda ölen manzara
düştü birden güneş ve ay ve yıldız gölgeleri
bir yerde buldum kendimi, buldum ışıklı siyah bir ayna
ışık dedim olmadı, ziya dedim uymadı
şüphesiz bu bir nur olmalı,
aydınlık desem aydınlık değil
karanlık mı, hayır asla değil
mutlaka bu bir nur olmalı.
durmadı idrakim havsalam patladı
zihnim arttı ve gönlüm çalkalandı,
fırladı kalbim ve beynim oynadı
çatladı kafam yüreğim çatladı…
boynumda gece siyah incisi zamanın
boynumda dizilir renkleri sevdanın
kırmızı ve yeşil ve beyazdan sonra
kara gözleri tükenmeyen aydınlığın,
her ışığa üstün gelir siyahlığın
ardı ardına gider yüreğimde,
boynumda gece, siyah incisi zamanın.
heyulası zamanın gözlerden girerken içeri
bir yılanı tuttum öldürdüm siyah bir yılanı
gözlerinden baktım azgın ve zümrüt gözlerinden,
leke leke boynunda kasılmış ellerim
gerilmiş vücudum azrail geçiyor yöremden
titreyip ürperiyoruz ölüm yakınlığından,
yılan ölüyor ben ölüyorum gülüyor zaman.
artan sadrımızda kırılan ışık ve prizma
kalbimizde hızlanan kristal ve ayna,
renkler renkler renkler
kırılan ve ayrışan
ayrılıp ayrılıp birleşen…
gurub ve şafak
gündüz ve gece,
duran ve ağlayan zaman
duran ve ağlayan
duran…
haydar murad
*Bu şiir, Şiir Bilgisi (Mayıs 1992, s.75–76) kitabında yayınlanmıştır.
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